Behind the Mask
by PizzaTop21
Summary: After stresses are caused and mistakes are made, the boys are left to pick up the pieces of a broken friend.
1. Stresses

**Hey everyone! Man, my break lasted a lot longer than I said, huh? Well, that being said, it feels great being back writing stories! I took a nice, long break, but I'm ready to be back in action! So I've been working on this story for a while, I've had the idea for even longer, and I'm so excited for you all to read it! **

**I NEED to thank asdfghjklblah right now for her help on this first chapter. Caitee wrote part of this when I just couldn't think of anything and without her, this chapter wouldn't be here! Thanks Caitee! Love you!**

**Disclaimer: So I learned my last story that I hate these, so I'm just going to do one now that will apply to the rest of the story. I do not now, nor have I ever, owned Big Time Rush.**

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><p>James was stressed. He was tired and overwhelmed and he didn't know how much more he could take. He had only been in L.A. for a little over a year, and while he was living the dream, <em>his <em>dream, it had not come without sacrifices. Big Time Rush was bigger than ever, but that also meant James and the other guys had more responsibilities, more requirements, and less time to breathe. The bottom line was, the guys were stressed.

A little stress can be good, it can be constructive. It can encourage one to get the job done and it can keep society going. No stress equals no work, so stress can be a good thing. To a certain point. There is a fine line between a healthy amount of stress and too much stress. James was beginning to learn what happens when you cross that fine line.

Too much stress is like a disease. It engulfs you and controls every aspect of your life. It's a nagging sensation that never quits, never gives up. Too much stress can cause people to do some pretty crazy things, things they wouldn't normally do. They will do anything they have to get rid of the overwhelming feeling, even if it hurts their friends and family and eventually, themselves. Anything to numb it.

Too much stress can be dangerous, James was beginning to learn. It can strike anyone, anywhere. Even in apartment 2J.

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><p>"James!" Kendall yelled as he grabbed a banana from the fridge. "Get out of the bathroom! Gustavo said to be at the studio at eight! We're going to be late!"<p>

The bathroom door opened to reveal James, looking flawless as always. "Calm down, Kendork. I'm ready."

Kendall just shook his head. "Whatever, Prom Queen."

"I told you never to speak of that again!"

Kendall chuckled. "Ok, ok. Let's just go. Carlos and Logan are already in the limo." James nodded and, together, they left the apartment. When they stepped into the limo Kelly had sent for them, Carlos and Logan had grumbled about how long it had taken them, but Kendall and James just ignored it. The four arrived at Roque Records after fifteen minutes.

"Dogs! You're five minutes late!" Gustavo yelled when he saw the boys walking down the familiar hall.

Logan gestured to James. "He was late getting ready."

"Calm down, Gustavo," Carlos said as he draped his arm over James' shoulder and patted his chest. "You can't rush our beauty queen." Kendall, Carlos, and even Logan started laughing as James plastered on the same fake smile he put on every time Kendall, Carlos, or sometimes Logan told one of their "jokes". They never knew how much the jokes really hurt him.

Gustavo rolled his eyes. "Whatever. Just get in the sound booth!"

Kendall, James, Carlos, and Logan nodded and walked into the sound booth. They spent the next four hours straight singing the new songs Gustavo had written and then another two hours having Mr. X teaching them the dances to the new songs. By the end of the day, all the boys were exhausted.

"Ok, you guys," Kelly said. "You can go home for the day. Good work on the new songs. Be back early tomorrow though—we still have tons of work to do." James sighed. He was incredibly stressed and extremely frustrated with his friends. Was more work really going to make a difference? _No_, James thought, _it won't_. He closed his eyes as they all got back into the limo.

When the boys arrived back at the Palm Woods, James headed straight to his bedroom, trying to avoid all contact with his friends. By the time he managed to barely touch the doorknob of his and Kendall's bedroom, however, Kendall, Carlos, and Logan were already lingering in the hall, watching after him.

"Where you going, James?" asked Kendall, uncapping his bottle of soda. "It's finally over—all that work. Don't you want to go relax on the couch or something?"

"He's probably going to do his hair," snickered Carlos before shooting James a sheepish smile. "Are you worried that the volume got deflated during practice?"

James struggled not to roll his eyes as he let his fingertips slip off the tip of the doorknob. He shrugged and stifled a yawn, replying quietly, "I'm just tired from all the work, guys. I'm just going to go to bed."

"Are you sick, James?" inquired Logan as he started reaching his hand to James' forehead. The doctoral brunette didn't stop at anything when his friends were unusually tired; it was a first instinct for him to question them.

James pushed Logan's hand back down and shook his head honestly. "No. I'm just really tired."

"Yeah, Logie, he's tired," piped up Kendall, a teasing grin playing at the corners of his lips. "Let little Jamesey get his beauty sleep."

"Ha ha, yeah, beauty sleep," repeated James. He tried not to roll his eyes and sigh with distain as he turned towards the door. He went inside the room with haste and didn't turn back once, fearing his friends' teasing smirks.

Flopping onto the bed, James let out a long, frustrated sigh. He had never been so annoyed and hurt by his friends so much in his life. Before, when they tossed around those "jokes", he would simply laugh it off, then tackle them, and then blow it over within the hour, not taking them seriously. However, the stress of all the rehearsals and work were piling up on him, and their teasing was definitely not helping. It was just building up the pressure inside him; frankly, James didn't like it.

But he didn't say anything. He wanted to say something, but he didn't. Tears filled his eyes at the thought of the things his friends have called him. _Sleeping Beauty. Beauty Queen. Prom Queen_. Other girly, dissatisfying names popped in his head and James groaned, rolling onto his back and shoving a pillow into his face. He wouldn't cry over these things, he _couldn't _cry over these things. He felt like a girl if he cried, and then the words he friends had harmlessly said to him would feel true. At a time like this, it wouldn't help him. James thought crying made him weak; at the same time, if he cried to Kendall, Carlos, and Logan about this, they'd just tease him about how much more girly he seemed to get through those tears.

It was hard to take these things in. James usually made it through the day without a droplet of stress weighing him down, but it was difficult this time, for whatever reason. He didn't know how to handle it. He couldn't seek help from his friends, and he didn't know if there was anyone else he could turn to. After all, Kendall, Carlos, and Logan had always been his light; however, now, he wasn't so sure about that.

His breaths were staggered and uneasy as his emotions began to take over him. He stood from the bed and walked like a zombie to the bathroom, where he gazed at his reflection in the mirror. His eyes were red and puffy, strained from his attempts not to cry at all this time. He didn't get why his friends called him a beauty queen. Truthfully, he felt his reflection in that mirror was hideous, and the stress continued to build, brick by stressful brick, just looking at it.

James clenched his fist and ripped open the medicine cabinet behind the mirror, just so he wouldn't have to look at it. His eyes, having nowhere else to go, rested on the medicine cabinet and its contents. And that's when he first saw it.

The bottle of pain killers the doctor had prescribed to him when he hurt his back a few months ago. The bottle was practically full; he had only taken a few and had put them in the cabinet without a second thought. However, as he stared at the bottle, a thought entered his mind.

Maybe—just maybe—this is what James needed to melt away the stress. People used these all the time, it wasn't a big deal. James just needed the stress to stop, the pain to stop. Isn't what these things are for?

With a shaking hand, James reached for the bottle.

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><p><strong>Um, I don't really know what to say after that. What I have to say doesn't matter though; it's what YOU have to say. What did you think? Did you love it? Hate it? I'm really going to be putting my absolute all into this story and I really hope you all like it.<strong>

**Another big thanks to Caitee!**

**Can I get some reviews? Tell me what you liked! Tell me what you hated! Please, just tell me what you thought of this!**


	2. Tricks

**Wowza, you guys! I never imagined the amount of reviews I got on the first chapter! Did you see how many I got? I can't believe it! TWENTY WHOLE REVIEWS! I can't even believe that! I never imagined I would get so many on the first chapter… So thank you. So much.**

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><p>James couldn't explain what he was feeling as he swallowed pill after pill. All he knew was that he was numb to the world around him. He couldn't feel the stresses of his job or the hurtful remarks from his friends. He didn't know what this feeling was or how long it would last, but what he did know was that he liked it.<p>

He liked not being able to feel the world around him. He liked not being able to think about all the work that had to be done. James couldn't think about all the names, all the teasing; he couldn't think about anything.

Finally, James put the bottle back in its spot in the cabinet and went back into his room. He flopped down on top of his bed, not really comprehending what was going on. He suddenly felt very tired and could feel his eyes starting to droop. After a few minutes of fighting, James finally surrendered and let his eyes close, just for a few minutes.

When James woke up, he glanced at the clock and saw that he was asleep longer than a few minutes. He was asleep four hours, in fact. He also saw that the amazing, numb feeling he felt earlier was gone, replaced with a raging headache and all the stress he had earlier.

James liked the feeling he had. He didn't want it to go away. James wanted to get that feeling back, he needed it back. It was the first time in six months that James felt completely relaxed, that he hadn't felt one once of stress. Maybe this is what James needed to shed the pounds of stress away.

James needed more pills.

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><p>As someone pounded loudly on the bedroom door, James brought a hand up to his raging head. "What?" he spat out through gritted teeth.<p>

Logan opened the door and popped his head in. He opened his mouth to speak, but immediately closed his mouth and furrowed his eyebrows in concern when he took in James' appearance. "Hey, are you ok?"

"Yeah," James said at once. "Everything's fine."

Logan stepped into the room and closed the door behind him. "Are you sure? Everything doesn't _look_ ok. Are you sick?"

Suddenly an idea entered James' mind. It was a long shot and probably wouldn't work, but he still decided to try it. He _had_ to try it. "My head really hurts. Can you get me some medicine?"

Logan's brown eyes clouded over in worry. "Sure, buddy, no problem. You just stay here, alright?" James just nodded as Logan left and came back just a few moments later. He handed James a couple of Ibuprofen and a glass of water. "Here, take these," he instructed.

James stared at the pills in his hand in disappointment. Two measly Ibuprofen wouldn't bring him back to the feeling he longed for. He needed to get to the bottle, which was full of his little "friends".

Logan noticed James' hesitation and stepped closer. "What's wrong? Aren't you going to take those?"

Not wanting to draw suspicion, James nodded and popped the pills into his mouth. He took a swig of water and swallowed the pills with ease. "I, uh, I think I'll lie down… for a little while. But could you do something for me?"

Logan nodded quickly. "Sure, anything."

James rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly. "Could you bring me the Ibuprofen bottle in case I need it… later?"

Logan once again nodded. "No problem. I'll be right back." Logan ran out of the room only to return almost immediately. He handed James the extra-large bottle of painkillers. James thanked him and watched as Logan opened the door to leave.

As soon as Logan closed the door behind him, James ripped open the lid and popped pill after pill into his mouth.

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><p>Although the Ibuprofen wasn't as effective as the painkillers, they soon brought James back into the feeling he had earlier. He couldn't think, he couldn't care, he couldn't feel. He was numb to the world around him and all the stress and pain that came with it.<p>

James didn't consider the effects this would have later or what it would do to his friends. He wasn't thinking. All he knew was that the pills brought him peace, something he had been missing. James didn't think about the aftermath or the dangers of what he was doing. All he cared about was the feeling he had right now. That was all that was important.

About half an hour in, James heard a knock on his door. Even in his current state, James knew his friends would never let him keep doing what he was doing and that would just not do. He quickly grabbed the bottle on the nightstand and threw it under the bed where no one would see it. He then buried himself under the covers and pretended to be asleep.

He could hear the door open and a voice whisper his name, a voice he recognized as Kendall's. When James didn't answer, Kendall sighed and closed the door again.

As soon as James figured it was safe, he sat up in his bed and pulled the bottle out. He looked at the bottle in his hand and traced the words on it with his finger. What he was doing wasn't wrong; it wasn't a big deal… right?

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><p>"I'm worried about James," Logan said as he, Kendall, and Carlos were watching TV in the living room.<p>

"Why?" Carlos asked, clearly confused. "What's wrong with him? Is he sick?"

"That's just it. I don't know," Logan said as he shook his head. "But something's not right."

As Carlos and Logan discussed this, Kendall just sat quietly at the end of the couch, not partaking in the discussion. It wasn't that he wasn't worried about James, because he was, it was just that Kendall didn't see how _talking_ about it was going to help anything. They should be _doing_ something. Kendall was a person of action; he hated sitting around and doing nothing.

"Kendall?" Logan snapped Kendall out of his trance. "You ok?"

Kendall shook his head to wake him up. "Yeah, I'm fine. Why?"

"You just seem really quiet. Aren't you worried about James?"

Kendall nodded his head immediately. "Of course I am."

Carlos shrugged. "I know I am. He's really tired today."

"Don't worry, Carlos," Kendall assured. "Gustavo worked us really hard today. I'm sure it's just that."

"But we were worked just as hard as James and _we _aren't that tired," Carlos backfired.

"He's ok, Carlos," Kendall said uncertainly and praying Carlos couldn't hear it in his voice. "He's perfectly fine."

Carlos stared at Kendall straight in his green, soulful eyes. "You promise me?"

Kendall gulped. "O-of course I do."

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><p><strong>Ooooooh! What did you guys think of <em>that<em>? I don't even know where that last part came from, but I had to put SOMETHING because I thought it needed something more… I think. Lol, please review and tell me what you thought! Sorry this chapter was so short, but I'll try to make the next one longer!**


	3. Suspicion

**Okey dokey. Here we go. With chapter three. And I should stop talking in fragments. Lol, so thank you all so much for your support! I wasn't sure if you all would like this story at first, but I'm so glad you do!**

**And ANOTHER thank you to asdfghjklblah for helping me out when I had writers' block!**

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><p>When James woke up the next morning, his mind was finally out of the fog it was the day before. Now he could think. Now he knew what he had done.<p>

His friends would never approve of what he had done, James knew. His friends would never let him keep doing what he was doing, James knew. But he had to keep doing it. He loved it and it made him feel so wonderful.

And that's why James knew he would just have to hide what he was doing.

It wouldn't be so hard, really. If James could hide what he had done from his friends when he just taken the pills, surely he would be able to in his clear state. It wouldn't be so hard at all. It wouldn't be hard to get more pills once he ran out either. He could just complain of back pain or that he was sick and Logan would get him pills just like that. It would be so easy.

James pretended to be asleep as Kendall finally woke up. He could feel Kendall's eyes on him, he could feel the worried stare, but he kept his face emotionless. Finally, he heard Kendall sigh and leave the room. After a few minutes, he opened one eye, then the other, and sat up in his bed. He reached under his bed where he had thrown the Ibuprofen bottle underneath yesterday. He pulled out the bottle and studied the labels and health precautions. He read the warnings and side effects, but none of it stuck in his head.

He put the bottle back under the bed, grabbed a change of clothes from the drawer, and went into his and Kendall's bathroom. After changing out of his pajamas, he opened the medicine cabinet and pulled out his beloved pill bottle, the bottle that started it all. He opened the lid and peered at the little white saviors before screwing the cap back on.

James stared at the pill bottle and sighed. He never thought that taking something so harmful could be so satisfying to stress. He stared blankly at the bottle's label, reading the prescription instructions. Maybe he would ignore a couple of rules…

"James?"

James gasped and shoved the pill bottle in his back pocket, stumbling a little bit from the effects he still had from one of his first few doses. "K… Kendall, hi!"

"What was that in your hand?" asked Kendall skeptically, narrowing his eyes.

"N… Nothing…"

"Then why are you stammering?" Kendall asked, approaching James with a serious, suspicious face. He tried to grab at James's arms as the brunette started blocking his back pocket. James struggled and wiggled underneath Kendall's grasp for a while, and finally, Kendall let go and sighed.

"I told you I wasn't doing anything," James said shamefully, hoarsely.

Kendall frowned and let his eyes wander to behind James, but he couldn't see anything. The pill bottle was almost completely concealed. Shrugging simply, he said, "Fine, James. You win. But if I catch you…"

"There's nothing to catch," James said as he rolled his eyes and tried not to act suspicious.

"Ok then… My mom made some eggs if you're hungry." Kendall's voice was still unbelieving.

"Yeah, that sounds great." James pushed past Kendall and out the bedroom door. The bottle was burning a hole in his back pocket, but there wasn't much he could currently do about it. He sat down at the table after exchanging hellos and good mornings to everyone at the table. Kendall was close behind him, his accusing, unbelieving stare never faltering.

But James tried not to let that bother him. He kept the same smile on throughout breakfast and told jokes to keep the mood light. Kendall didn't say one word though.

"Ok," James said as he finished the last of his eggs. "I should probably get started on my hair."

"Did you like the eggs, dear?" Mrs. Knight asked sweetly.

"Of course I did, Mama Knight. They were perfect as always." He put his plate and fork into the sink and went into his room. Immediately, James went into his bathroom and took the bottle from his back pocket. He opened the medicine cabinet to put it back in, but just as he was about to put it down, he pulled it away again. He opened the lid and poured a few into his hand. Inspecting each pill one by one, James fingered them before putting it back into the bottle. Maybe one more time wouldn't hurt…

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><p>"James! C'mon!" Carlos' voice rang through the bathroom door. "Gustavo's waiting!" James lifted himself up from the floor and looked around. What? Why was he on the ground?<p>

Suddenly it all came back to him. Going into the bathroom, _almost_ putting the bottle back, the pills… Oh, the pills… He leaned up against the countertop and looked around before he realized Carlos was still waiting for an answer. "I'll be right there," he said softly and hoarsely.

"Are you ok? You sound funny." James could almost hear the frown in Carlos' voice.

"I'm ok. Just give me a second." When Carlos didn't respond to that, James figured Carlos was giving him what he asked for. He looked in the mirror and cringed at his appearance. His eyes were bloodshot and his hair was dull and lifeless from not doing it this morning. Normally, James would shriek if his hair was anything less than perfect, but surprisingly, he did not care today. He had his pills and that was all that mattered.

He reached for the knob and twisted it slowly, finding the action unusually difficult. Shaking it off, James left the bathroom and the bedroom and walked into the bright living room.

"James, you don't look too good," Logan said as soon as he laid eyes on James. "You feeling ok, buddy?"

"Yeah, just tired," James said.

Kendall stood up. "But your hair…"

James ran a shaky hand through it. "Yeah, I'm having a bad hair day."

"It doesn't even look like you tried," Kendall said, arms crossed.

"Well… I did. And I would really appreciate you not mentioning it."

Carlos, too, jumped up. "Whatever! Let's just go to rehearsal before Gustavo explodes!"

Logan, still looking skeptical, finally gave in. Grapping their coats and gym bags, all four boys piled into the elevator and started talking about what might happen at rehearsals today.

Well, all except James.

While his three best friends were chatting away, James stayed silent. He didn't care about what might happen at rehearsals, not today. All he cared about was pushing through the day so he could get back to the apartment and back to his pills. After all, that was all that _really_ mattered.

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><p>"JAMES!" Gustavo yelled. "WHY DO YOU KEEP MESSING UP THE DANCE?"<p>

James was looking around the room, avoiding all eye contact with the pudgy man. "I don't know…" he mumbled.

"IT DOESN'T EVEN LOOK LIKE YOU'RE _TRYING_!"

James didn't really know what to say to that. After all, Gustavo was right. He _wasn't_ trying. James didn't know why, but he just didn't care. He had no motivation today. All he wanted was to get home to his pills. He didn't care about this stupid dance. So instead of answering, James just shrugged.

Gustavo closed his eyes and took several deep breaths. Then he opened his eyes and looked calmly at James. "Just… take a break. And you _better_ do better when you get back."

Sighing, James left the dance studio with Kendall, Carlos, and Logan in close tow. He seriously hoped none of his friends would talk to him about what just happened because he didn't want to talk about it.

But, of course, James could never get what he wanted.

"What was that, James?" Logan asked. "Usually _I'm _the one messing up the dances…"

James rolled his eyes. He didn't want to deal with this. But Kendall couldn't stop there. "What's been going on with you lately?"

"Nothing! Just drop it!" James groaned, trying not to raise his voice.

Logan crossed his arms. "If you want to drop it, then there's obviously something there."

Carlos looked at Logan then James and nodded. "So just tell us."

Suddenly James felt anxious. His friends were getting too close… "I'm fine, Carlos, really."

Now it was Kendall's turn to roll his eyes. "We're not buying it, James."

"Are you sick?" Logan inquired.

"No! I'm fine! Now will you all just leave me alone?" James pleaded. He didn't wait for an answer. No, James threw one last annoyed glance at his friends before storming back into the dance studio.

Kendall threw his hands up in the air. "What was that about?" Logan opened his mouth to respond, but got no words out since Gustavo called them back into the studio. Rolling their eyes, the three boys walked back in to see James already there and Gustavo looking annoyed.

"Ok, dogs, let's _try _to get it right this time!" Gustavo said, looking directly at James.

James shied away and just focused on the dance moves. _Just keep going, James_, he thought, _keep going, do it right, and then you can go home. You can go back to the pills. _

So the four boys worked hard for an hour, perfecting the dance. Finally, Kelly told them they were down for the day and could go home.

Grabbing their bags, they all let out a sigh of relief. They were all ready to go home. It was an unusually quiet car ride back to the Palm Woods, something very unusual. As they walked through the front door, Kendall finally decided to break the silence. "You guys want to go to the pool?"

Logan and Carlos immediately agreed, but James strangely denied the offer. Immediately, his friends were on his back about it.

"Since when do you turn down pool time?" asked Carlos.

"How could you not want to tan? It's prime tan time!" said Kendall.

"What's going on?" demanded Logan.

James resisted the urge to just scream. "Nothing's going on. I just don't want to go to the pool. Is that so wrong?"

"For you? Yes," Kendall said sarcastically.

"Seriously, James, just tell us what's up," Carlos begged.

James expression suddenly softened. "I just want to rest."

Logan and Carlos believed him, albeit reluctantly, but Kendall didn't buy it. He knew there was something else to the story. What it was, he wasn't quite sure of, but it was definitely there. "Alright then," Kendall finally said. "We'll be at the pool if you change your mind."

James nodded and headed to the stairs, tired of the elevators. He quietly went into the apartment and headed to his bedroom. He kicked off his sneakers by his bed and rushed to the bathroom.

Ripping open the cabinet, James ransacked the shelves for his pills until his fingers finally wrapped around the orange bottle. He hastily pulled the bottle close and smiled. This was what he had been waiting for.

As fast as James pulled the bottle out, that was how slow he opened it. He took his time, not wanting to rush what he was about to do. He was still deciding if he really _wanted_ to do this, if this was what would fix everything. Deep down, James knew the answer, but it was not the answer he wanted. He wanted the feeling, he wanted the numbness, and the pills were the only thing James could find that could give him that. It's what he needed.

James poured the pills into his hand and just stared at them. How he loved these pills, how he loved what they did. They took away the pain, and that was something James could do without. They took away the stress, and that was something James needed to be gone. They made James happy, and that was what he so desperately needed.

After only a moment's hesitation, James threw his head back and put the pills in his mouth, swallowing them. He smile grew bigger and bigger as the pills began to work their magic.

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><p><strong>And there we go. So… How was that? I really don't know where half of this came from, but I hope you all like it. I've been working on it all week and I tried to make it long for you guys while still making it really good. <strong>

**Next chapter should be… Saturday. Or maybe Friday. Or it might have to be Sunday. But I promise to get it out ASAP!**


	4. Getting Closer

**Ok, this took me WAYYY longer than I said so, huh? I'm so sorry about that, but I really appreciate you all still sticking with this story! Love you all!**

**Oh, and I'll be having a little break from basketball for about a month until the spring season starts, so updates will come a lot more regularly!**

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><p>"James! C'mon! We're going to play dome hockey then ride Swirly!"<p>

James shook his head and looked around the bathroom. After thinking for a moment, he remembered what day it was. Friday. Which meant that today was Fish Stick Friday. James inwardly groaned. He didn't want to deal with this. He didn't want to do Fish Stick Friday this week. But James didn't know how to say that without drawing suspicion to himself, so he decided not to say anything about it at all. "I'll be right there."

Slowly, James made his way over to the bathroom door. He took a deep breath before turning the knob and leaving his safe haven. He made his way through the cluttered bedroom and into the living room. Kendall, Carlos, and Logan were already at the couch, controllers in hand.

"There you are!" Carlos yelled. "We were waiting for you!"

"Sorry…" James mumbled as he took a seat on the couch and grabbed the extra controller. As they begin playing, James could feel that something was off. He wasn't getting into it as much as he usually did. He just didn't care. It wasn't long before the other guys noticed it too.

"Ok," Kendall started. He paused the game and turned to look at James. "What is going on with you?"

"What are you talking about?" James asked, playing dumb.

Kendall crossed his arms. "You're just… acting different. So what's going on?"

Mimicking Kendall, James crossed his arms too. "I'm just tired."

Logan stood up. "That's what you keep saying. But you're in your room all the time, sleeping."

James fell silent, knowing that what Logan had said was yet another lie he had told. His silence didn't last long, however, and he spoke back up. "Is it so wrong to be tired? You know what? I'm just going to go rest."

Carlos started to pout and his eyes filled with tears. "What about Fish Stick Friday?"

James' tone softened just the slightest when he spoke to Carlos. "It's ok, Carlos. Just do it without me this week." After he said this, James turned and went back to his room to sleep, or so his friends thought. James knew where he was really going.

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><p>"What was that about?" Kendall asked once he heard the bedroom door shut.<p>

Carlos threw down his controller. "I don't even want to do Fish Stick Friday anymore."

Logan sighed. "Maybe he's just… sick?"

"Maybe…" Kendall said, sounding unconvinced.

"Well, let's just play dome hockey and let him sleep," Logan said, turning away from the TV. Carlos and Kendall sighed and got up. The three of them started to play, but soon grew bored since they couldn't play an actual game with only three people. After wondering around for a few minutes, Mrs. Knight called the boys and Katie to come and eat.

As Carlos and Logan were setting the table, Kendall went to go get James. Since it was his room too, Kendall didn't knock and just went in. He looked over to his bed to find it empty and soon realized that James was in the bathroom. "James?" Kendall said as he knocked on the door. "C'mon, food's ready."

James response was so muffled and quiet, Kendall had trouble hearing him. It took a few times of James repeating himself, but Kendall finally got the message. "I'm not hungry. Just go eat without me."

Kendall frowned. "Are you sure? You're not hungry?"

"No."

Kendall sighed and turned to leave. "Alright then. Come out if you change your mind."

"Ok."

As James listened from the bathroom, he could hear the worry in Kendall's voice. He didn't to worry his friends, he really didn't. But they couldn't know. If they did, he would be forced to stop. And James couldn't do that.

Because what James didn't know was that he was addicted.

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><p>The days passed. James continued to take his pills and the signs began to show. He never went to the pool or out anywhere with his friends. He barely ate, he barely slept, he barely showered. Anxious and paranoid, James began to fall away from his household responsibilities and even his singing began to suffer. James just didn't care about anything anymore. Mood changing more often than seemingly possible, James isolated himself and school or Big Time Rush was no longer a priority. Pills were James' only priority. He didn't even care about his hair anymore. He hadn't put a single Cuda product in it for a week and his hair was noticeably suffering.<p>

So as James once again declined his friends' request for him to come with the pool with them, they had enough of not knowing what was going on.

"What is wrong with you?" Kendall said angrily as James started to their room.

"What are you talking about?" James asked, stopping in his tracks.

"You know exactly what we're talking about," Kendall said. "What is wrong? Why won't you talk to us?"

"Kendall, I've told you before and I'll tell you again. Nothing is wrong."

"That's crap, James! You know, I know, Logan and Carlos know that something is wrong!"

James looked at Logan and Carlos, who were silently sitting on the couch, not wanting to get into this. "I take it Kendall is speaking for all of you?"

After looking at each other, the two boys nodded. "We're worried, James," Carlos said. "We just want to help."

"There is nothing wrong! Why won't you all just leave me alone?"

Logan stood up. "Because we _know_ there is something else wrong, James! We can see it! You've lost so much weight. You don't eat or sleep. You don't care about your hair or singing anymore. Your eyes are always bloodshot. Heck, last week Mama Knight asked you to pick up Katie from the zoo and you didn't! She had to call Kendall to come get her! That's not like you at all!"

"I've just been stressed, ok? I'm sorry!"

"No," Kendall said. "There's something else wrong."

"Are you sick?" Logan asked. "Is that what's going on?"

They were getting too close. James was slipping. So he did the only thing he knew how to get out. He lied. "I just… I don't feel good."

Logan smiled just the slightest. "You're just sick then? That's it?"

James nodded, feeling guiltier by the second.

Logan took him by the arm. "Ok then. Let's just get you to bed. What hurts?"

"My… uh, stomach. And head. And, uh, my throat."

"I'll get you some medicine," Logan said.

"Pills?" James asked, trying not to sound too excited.

"If that's what you want, then ok."

Logan took James into his room and put him in his bed. He tried to feel for a fever, but James didn't let him, he just asked for the medicine. Logan brought him a bottle of pills to help and left it on James' nightstand. As soon as Logan left, James took a handful of pills and swallowed them quickly, then threw the bottle under his bed along with his growing collection of pill bottles.

James knew that he wasn't being careful. His friends were getting closer and closer and if he wasn't more careful, it wouldn't be long before they found out.

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><p><strong>Crap. That's all I can say about this chapter. I know, I kept you waiting so long only to give you this. I'm really sorry, but I just didn't know what to put. I was stuck and I still am. I'm so sorry. <strong>

**So to make up with the long wait and the suckiness of this chapter, I'll try to get a new chapter up by Monday. Again, I'm really sorry this chapter sucks really bad.**


	5. Boiling Point

**Ok, thank you for the reviews! It dropped a lot last chapter, but based on the quality, believe me, I understand. Hope this chapter is better!**

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><p>When James got out of bed early the next day, he wished he could go back. Now that his friends were beginning to catch on, he would have to be more careful. And that equaled to not having his pills as often.<p>

He walked into the living room to see Carlos already in the kitchen, looking for something to eat. He sat down at the counter and Carlos looked over his shoulder to see who was there. "Hey," he said as he went back to his food search. "Feeling better?"

James nodded his head. Then, realizing Carlos couldn't hear that, spoke up. "Yes. What are you doing up so early?"

Carlos shrugged and pulled out some yogurt and milk. "Couldn't sleep." He walked over to the cupboard and pulled out a box of cereal, a bowl, and a spoon from the drawer. Bringing everything with him, he sat down next to James.

James silently gulped. "Any reason you couldn't?"

"I've had a lot on my mind lately." Carlos put a spoonful of yogurt into his mouth and looked at James. "You're like my best friend, James. You know that, right?"

James grew more nervous with each passing second. "I do."

Carlos continued. "So since you're my best friend, that gives me the right to worry about you. And I've been worrying about you a lot, we all have and you know that. But you haven't been doing a lot to fix that."

"What are you talking about?"

"I know that you and Logan and Kendall think I'm not very observant, that I can be fooled easily. I know you're not sick."

"What do you mean, Carlos? That's not true."

Carlos laughed humorlessly. "Oh, come on, James. You may have Kendall and Logan fooled, but you don't have me fooled. I've known you for the better part of your life and I know when you're sick or not. Kendall and Logan… The only reason they believed you is because they needed an answer so badly, they would take anything you had to say. But I'm not like that."

"Carlos," James sighed. "I'm telling the truth. Honest."

"Then why don't I believe you?"

"I don't know, Carlos. But what I do know is that I'm ok and none of you have to worry."

Carlos stood up. "You're not ok, James! I don't know what's going on, but I know it's not good. Why won't you talk to me? I thought we were friends!"

"We are friends! And I need help, I'll tell you! But there's nothing to help with!"

"I'm not going to tell Kendall and Logan if you don't want me to. And I'm not going to tell them about this. This is your chance to just tell me."

"Please, Carlos, I'm telling you that there is nothing to talk about."

Carlos gave James a disgusted look. "I'm going down to the park. I'll see you later." Carlos turned and went through the front door, not looking back. He slammed the door behind him and James could almost hear him grumbling to himself down the hall. He sighed and started to clear Carlos' dishes. He through the yogurt away, put the bowl in the sink, and put the cereal and milk back in its place.

Carlos was the last person James expected to catch on. So if he was this far along, where were Kendall and Logan?

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><p>After James cleaned up Carlos' mess, he was extremely stressed about the whole ordeal. When had everything spiraled so out of control? James was so stressed and he didn't know how to deal with it except for one way.<p>

James made his way to his bedroom, past the sleeping Kendall, and into the bathroom. He quietly closed the door and locked it. Opening the medicine cabinet, James wasn't thinking about what he was doing. He just did it. He reached for the pill bottle, the one that worked the best, and uncapped the lid. He tried to pour the pills into his hand, but they weren't coming out. Growing panicky, James peered inside the bottle to find no pills inside.

He was out of painkillers.

James closed his eyes and took deep breaths, trying to calm himself. _It's ok, James_, he told himself._ Just calm down. You'll get more pills, don't worry._

James opened his eyes and started rummaging through the cabinet. He found weak over the counter painkillers, Kendall's allergy medicine, and something for upset stomachs, but nothing that would work the way his painkillers did. What was he supposed to do?

James took a deep breath. It shouldn't be so hard to get some more. He could just start complaining that his back was hurting and Logan would go refill his prescription. It'll be fine.

But even as he thought that, James couldn't help but worry. His friends were getting closer and that scared him, but not enough to stop.

James needed more pills.

* * *

><p>Carlos didn't know exactly where he was going when he stormed out. He was just so… so <em>mad<em> for whatever reason and needed to get out. He knew James wasn't telling the truth. Why wouldn't he just come clean? Carlos didn't know what was wrong, but he wanted to find out. Was something wrong with his family? Were his parents fighting again? Maybe someone in the family was sick? Whatever the reason was, Carlos couldn't understand why James couldn't just come out with it. What was the big deal? Did James not trust them?

Carlos walked through the lobby, not bothering to visit with anyone. He made his way to the park and sat down at an old oak tree. He put his head in his hands and sighed. Everything was so messed up. He didn't understand why things couldn't just… get better. Was that too much to ask?

"Please, God," Carlos said so quietly, he could barely hear himself. "You know what's wrong with James. Please fix him. I'm scared and I know everyone else is too. Even Katie's been asking us what's wrong with James. I need You to help us."

Carlos sighed after his prayer and got up. Sitting around moping wasn't going to help James. He needed to do something. What that something was, he wasn't sure, but he needed to do something.

Carlos started back to the Palm Woods, but he failed to see the large hole he was walking toward. Lost in his thoughts, Carlos didn't notice it until his left foot tripped in it and he went flying. It all happened so fast, and when he landed, Carlos could only feel a sharp pain in his right wrist.

"Ouch!" he yelled, clutching his arm. "Ah! That hurts!"

Trying to shake off the pain, Carlos slowly got up, still clutching his arm, and practically ran back to 2J. He burst through the door and started calling for Logan, not caring if people were still asleep.

"LOGAN!" he screamed. "I NEED HELP! NOW!"

Logan came running out of his room, groggy eyed and wearing his pajamas. "What's wrong, Carlos? Don't you know people are still sleeping?"

Carlos held out his arm to Logan. "I… I hurt my arm. It hurts _real _badly."

Logan's expression softened and he stepped closer to Carlos. "Let me see it." Carlos handed him his arm and Logan carefully examined it, trying his best not to hurt Carlos. "I don't think it's broken, but we should probably go get it checked out. What happened?"

"I… tripped in the park."

Logan looked even more confused. "What were you doing in the park so early?"

Carlos looked away. "Nothing."

* * *

><p>"We're back from the doctor's!" Logan called throughout the apartment as he threw his keys onto the counter. He placed a small paper bag onto the counter also and led Carlos inside. Kendall and James looked up from their spot on the couch.<p>

"How'd it go?" Kendall asked.

Carlos plopped down onto the couch and Logan crossed his arms. "Well, it's not broken," Logan began. "But it is badly sprained. He was in a lot of pain, so they wrapped it up and gave him a prescription for some painkillers." Logan shook the bag in his hand and James' ears immediately perked up.

"Painkillers?" James repeated.

Logan nodded. "Yeah, but he'll be fine. He's done worse to himself."

"Hey!" Carlos pouted from the couch. He was still pretty upset about today. Not so much about his arm, but more about James.

Kendall put his arm around Carlos. "You doing ok, buddy?"

Carlos shrugged it off. "Yeah, I'm fine." He stood up from the couch and silently made his way back to his own room. Logan sat down on the couch and he and Kendall turned on the hockey game, but James paid no mind to it. All he could focus on was the little brown bag on the counter.

The bag with the pills.

James needed to get to that bag. He ran out of his own pills, but that bag could give him more. It wouldn't be easy. It would be risky and if anyone saw, everything would be ruined. But his need for the pills was greater than the risk. He needed to get to it.

So he waited. He waited until the perfect moment, until Kendall, Carlos, and Logan were nowhere in sight. He waited until everyone went to bed. And then he took the pills.

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><p><strong>Wow. Ok, that took a lot to write, but I hope you all like it. I think it's a lot better than the last chapter, which sucked. So I hope you all like this because I worked really hard on it and I really want all of you to enjoy it too. Please review and tell me what you think!<strong>

**Fun Fact: I wrote the majority of this chapter while eating Hershey Kisses. Yum.**


	6. Discovered

**Ok. Before you say anything, I know how long it's been. You guys have to understand how much has been going on though, and I'm really sorry. I hope this chapter will make up for it!**

**I think this is the chapter you all have been waiting for… Enjoy…**

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><p>James snuck past the sleeping Kendall after he had stolen the pills and climbed into bed. He took the pills out of the bag and examined the bottle best he could in the darkness. Carlos had taken a few before he went to bed, but the bottle was still full and that would do for James. Not wanting to take any chances of being caught, James quickly threw the bag and pills under his bed for later.<p>

James closed his eyes, but he didn't fall asleep. Instead, he laid awake and just… thought. He thought about a lot of things, but at the same time he wasn't thinking about anything at all. He thought to the end of the world and back, but no matter how much thinking he did, it didn't make him feel any better.

No matter how much James didn't want to admit it, he knew what he was doing was wrong. If his friends found out, they would be angry and confused, but mostly, they would be hurt. He couldn't blame them. He knew that he would feel the same way if one of his friends were on the ones with the pills. James couldn't blame them for being nosy or wanting answers.

But at the same time, James just could not give up his pills.

His pills had become part of him. With their amazing abilities, James couldn't help but love them. They did everything he needed them to do and more.

So as much as James wanted to stop, his need to keep going was even stronger.

* * *

><p>"James! Get up!" Kendall yelled as he threw a pillow at James. "Rehearsal's in an hour!"<p>

James groaned and sat up. He looked at Kendall and yawned. Kendall just laughed. "C'mon, James, it's time to get up. Besides, you need all the time you can get to do your hair!"

Another blow. James laughed sheepishly. "Yeah, my hair…"

"Are you ok?" Kendall asked, suddenly serious. "Do you still feel sick?"

James shook his head. "No. I'll just go… do my hair now." James got up and grabbed some clothes from his drawer. Making his way to the bathroom, James locked the door behind him and sighed.

He looked and the mirror and saw how horrible his hair looked from not properly doing it in so long. But he didn't care. And he didn't feel up to doing it now. He just shook his head and put toothpaste on his toothbrush. Wetting it, James stuck it in his mouth and started to brush. While he was doing this, he began to drift off again, not knowing where he was really going.

James was tired of this. He was tired of the lies, tired of the secrets. He was tired of having his friends watch his every move because they _knew _he was hiding something. He was tired of everything.

Spitting into the sink, James rinsed his mouth and dried his face. Just running his comb through his hair, James changed and went into the kitchen.

"You hungry?" Logan asked, offering a plate of freshly made eggs. James just shook his head. Shrugging, Logan handed the plate to Carlos, who eagerly dug in to his third plate that morning.

Kendall laughed lightly. "Hungry much, Carlos?"

Carlos just groaned in response.

Logan rolled his eyes and looked at James. "You sure you're not hungry? If you are, you better hurry before Carlos eats it all."

James chuckled. "No, I'm good."

"I really want you to eat something. It won't be good for you to go to rehearsal with an empty stomach. Here, I can make you some toast if you like…"

Not wanting to make anyone any more suspicious, James sighed. "Alright." Smiling with relief, Logan quickly got bread from the cupboard and put it into the toaster. After a couple moments of uncomfortable silence, Logan noticed something missing.

"Hey, Carlos, where are your pills?"

James stiffened as Kendall, Carlos, and Logan looked around. "I have no idea," Carlos finally admitted.

"That's weird. Are you sure you didn't move them, buddy?" Logan asked.

Carlos nodded. "Positive. I took two last night, but then I just put them back in the bag and left them on the counter."

Logan looked up the counter to see if they had fallen off, but couldn't see anything. "I don't get it. I remember seeing them on the counter when I went to bed last night. Do you think your mom moved them, Kendall?"

Kendall shook his head. "Doubt it. She would've told us or left a note or something if she had."

Logan looked around the room, and then his eyes landed on James. "You went to bed later than we did. Did you remember seeing the pills? Did you move them?"

James silently gulped. "N-no. I mean, I-I don't _think_ I saw them-m, but I c-could have, but I d-don't think I d-did. I m-mean… No."

Kendall, Carlos, and Logan all eyed him suspiciously. "Alright then," Logan said finally.

After a few moments of silence, the toast popped up, Logan put it on a plate, and handed it to James. James forced a smile. "Thanks buddy," he said as he forced down a bite.

Logan smiled as Kendall and Carlos put their plates in the sink and grabbed their gym bags. "Ok, guys," Kendall said. "We better go."

Logan looked at Kendall, then to James, James' toast, and then back to Kendall. "Kendall… maybe we should let James finish his breakfast."

As Kendall began to nod, James shook his head and put the plate down. "No, I'm good. Let's just go."

Carlos crossed his arms. "James. You need to eat."

James sighed. "I can eat at the studio. They have vending machines."

"No," Kendall protested. "We'll wait."

James rolled his eyes and dramatically took a bite of his toast and swallowed it. "Happy?"

Logan sighed. "You can finish that in the car. We better go now, or we're going to be late."

Everyone turned and walked silently through the door. All four were lost in their own worlds, but each world was thinking the same exact thing.

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><p>"James, will you <em>please<em> come to the pool with us?" Carlos begged James as they and the others were making their way up to 2J after an especially hard rehearsal.

James hesitated. He didn't really want to. In fact, he was planning on trying out Carlos' new pills; he had a nagging sensation that was telling him to. He was itching to try the pills, excited to, and he didn't know if he could wait. But if he rejected yet another offer to hang out with his friends, it couldn't end up well. Finally, he sighed and smiled. "Ok, Carlitos."

Carlos smiled so wide, it reached his ears and he ran over to Kendall and Logan. "Guess what! James is going to come to the pool with us!"

They both smiled and turned to James. "That's great!" Kendall exclaimed.

James smiled sheepishly. "Just… let me go change first."

Everyone nodded. "Take your time…" Logan said.

James smiled as they entered their apartment. He made his way to his room and closed the door behind him. He grabbed his swim trunks and a t-shirt and started to go to the bathroom when he passed his bed.

He eyed the bed, trying not to think about what was hiding beneath. If James said that the thought of pulling out the pills and taking them never crossed his mind, he would be lying. He wanted nothing more than to do that, but he knew he couldn't. He shouldn't.

But before he knew what he was doing, James had dropped his clothes on the ground and ripped the brown bag from underneath his bed. He went into his bathroom and locked the door behind him. He reached inside and gripped the bottle, throwing the forgotten bag to the ground. He twisted the cap off the bottle and filled his mouth with the precious pills.

James loved the feeling he was getting. He missed it. And maybe that's why he wasn't as careful as he usually was and he didn't realize exactly how many he was taking.

James put pill after pill into his mouth, not realizing how many he was taking. At least not it was too late. Suddenly, James felt dizzy and lightheaded, but before he knew what was happening, James felt himself fall, a slight pain, and then he felt nothing.

* * *

><p>"Where <em>is <em>James?" Kendall groaned as the three boys waited in the lobby for James. "He said he was just going to get changed."

"You think he changed his mind?" Carlos squeaked, scared of the answer he might get.

Kendall slung his arm around the smaller boy. "No, Carlos, I'm sure he didn't. I'm sure he's just taking… fixing his hair or something. You know how he is."

While Kendall and Carlos were discussing this, Logan stayed silent. He didn't think that James was just taking longer than usual or he got preoccupied. Logan texted James three times and he didn't respond. James always responds.

So Logan couldn't help but feel a little worried.

"Maybe we should go check on him," Logan said hesitantly. "Just in case."

Carlos whimpered. "Is James ok?"

Kendall gave Logan a look to watch what he said, so Carlos wouldn't worry, but he nodded. "We'll go help James with whatever is keeping him, ok Carlos?"

Carlos simply nodded and they headed to stairs, figuring the elevator would just keep them from James longer. But as they took step after step, getting closer and closer, that's how fast their worry and concern grew. They were sure James was ok; what else could he be? But with his bizarre behavior lately, they couldn't help but be a little worried.

So when they reached the front door to the apartment, they didn't open it right away. Afraid of what they might find, they lingered in the hallway, Kendall's fingertips just brushing the door knob. Finally, Kendall had enough of just waiting around and thrust the door open, eyes scanning over the apartment. Finding it completely empty and just a note on the counter saying Mrs. Knight and Katie were out shopping, the three boys began to call for James.

But they got no answer.

Growing increasingly worried, Kendall, Carlos, and Logan ran into James and Kendall's room, shouting James' name with everything they had to no avail. Kendall began pounding on the bathroom door, going from demanding that James let them in to begging him to answer them.

"Something's wrong!" Carlos cried. "We have to get the door open!"

His mind racing, Logan suddenly bolted from the bedroom into Katie and Mrs. Knight's room, grabbing the first bobby pin he could find. He ran back to the locked bathroom door and Kendall and Carlos watched helplessly as Logan worked the bobby pin in the lock, though his hands were shaking terribly. Trying to stay calm, it took Logan only minutes until he heard the lock clicking and the door opened.

Surprisingly cautious, Kendall opened the door, and saw James lying unconscious on the floor, pills surrounding him. He didn't even hear Carlos burst into tears or Logan shouting to call 911, only to pull out his own phone and dial the ever feared number. It took only seconds for the reality of the situation to sink in, and when it did, Kendall let out a heartbreaking, bloodcurdling scream.

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><p><strong>Wow. Ok. That took an awful lot. Well, this is what you all wanted, for the guys to find out. They now know. As you can probably tell, things are going to take a total 180. Obviously, the guys are not going to like this. I have big plans coming up…<strong>

**Psst, you see that little tiny button right there? It says _REVIEW THIS CHAPTER._ Why don't you click on that? Tell me what you thought of this!**

**_SPECIAL MESSAGE FROM ASDFGHJKLBALH: _**

**Hi, I know I haven't been around a lot lately, but some shizzle fizzle drizzle stuff has been going on. Yeah. So anyway, I know that lots of people nowadays bully and get bullied. So I made a video to show you guys why you shouldn't bully and what you should do if someone does bully you. There are a lot of shocking things you'll find out about me in the video, so... brace yourselves, I guess? Um, also, although I really do want bullying to stop, can I ask you guys not to share this link? Just share my words. But not the link. Because if the link gets shared then I'm screwed. Furthermore, it doesn't have to be me who's saying all this stuff about stopping bullying. You guys can make a change, too. So.. yus. Thank you guys. xx, Caitlyn.**

**(Just remove the spaces in these links)**

**_Actual video:_**

**youtube. com /watch?v=sxIx_ c8mctI&feature= **

**_Companion video:_**

** **you tu. be **/5RFCR4lMHQw**


	7. Too Little, Too Late

**Hi. Yeah. Ok. So I've been a little insecure about my writing lately. So if this chapter isn't exactly what you wanted or expected, I'm sorry.**

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><p>Kendall couldn't comprehend what was happening. He didn't remember Logan telling whoever was on the line what was happening or Carlos sobbing James' name, begging him to wake up. He didn't remember the paramedics rushing in and placing James on a stretcher, or even getting into the car and driving to the hospital.<p>

No, the whole time, Kendall was in a trance. It was almost like, if he just wished hard enough or pretended the whole thing wasn't happening, it would all go away. He would wake up in his bed and James would be safely in the other bed at the side of the room. It would all be a horrible, terrible nightmare that would be forgotten about in an hour.

But when he, Carlos, and Logan ran through the hospital doors to the front desk, that's when Kendall snapped out of it. He remembered running to the front desk and demanding the woman working there to tell him what was happening with James.

"I'm sorry, sir," the lady said hesitantly, as to not anger Kendall. "Your friend was just wheeled in a few minutes ago. There's no information on him yet. You may wait in the waiting room."

Kendall groaned and grabbed at his hair, but followed her direction. He nodded to Logan and Carlos, leading them to the waiting room. Sitting down in one of the hard, plastic chairs, Kendall buried his head in his hands, wishing he was anywhere else.

"I'm scared," Carlos whispered.

Sighing, Logan moved closer to Carlos and draped a shoulder around him. "I know, buddy. We all are."

"But what is James isn't ok?"

"Hey, don't think like that, ok?" Logan said, rubbing Carlos' back. "James is going to be just fine. We'll make him better, ok?"

Carlos said nothing to that, leaving Logan feeling terrible. He didn't know exactly what was wrong with James, but he felt like whatever it was, it was his fault. He was the smart one of the group, the future doctor, leaving whatever happened to James his responsibility.

He should have seen the signs. He should have confronted James. He should have done everything differently.

Logan took a deep breath and stood up. He turned to Kendall. "Did you call your mom? And James' family?"

Kendall shook his head. "I totally forgot." He reached in his pocket, frowning when his fingers felt nothing. "I left my phone in my room. Do you have yours?"

"Yeah," Logan said, reaching into his pocket. He handed Kendall the phone.

"Thanks." Kendall dialed his mother's number and brought the phone to his ear. Walking outside so he could hear well, the phone started ringing.

"_Logan_!" Mrs. Knight said. "_Where are you guys? Katie and I have been looking all over for you! We brought you all food. Where are you?_"

Kendall gulped. "Mom, this is Kendall."

"_Kendall? What are you doing with Logan's phone?_"

"I needed to call you. And I left my phone in my room."

"_You sound funny. Is everything alright?_"

A few tears escaped Kendall's eyes as he explained to his mother what happened. He told her how excited they all were that James was going to hang out with them, but then he never showed up. Struggling to hold back his sobs, Kendall told how they decided to go check on him and how Logan had to pick the lock. But when Kendall described to his mom what they found behind the locked door, that's when he finally lost it. His words came out messily as he sobbed to his mother, wishing she was there so he wouldn't feel so alone. He wanted her warm embrace.

He barely heard Mrs. Knight as she said sternly that she and Katie were on their way. But he just nodded, not caring if his mother couldn't see that. He hung up the phone and took deep breaths, trying and failing to compose himself. Finally, after several minutes of deep breathing exercises, Kendall wiped any excess tears and went back inside. Handing the phone back to Logan, Kendall wordlessly sat back down.

"What did your mom say?" Carlos said so quietly, Kendall almost thought he imagined it.

"She said that she and Katie are on their way," Kendall said, equally quiet. "She sounded worried."

Logan scoffed. "I wonder why," he mumbled under his breath.

Choosing to ignore Logan's comment, Kendall asked, "Did the doctor come out while I was gone?"

Carlos shook his head. "I asked a nurse, but she didn't know anything."

So they sat there waiting, waiting for answers, waiting for James. They waited because there was absolutely nothing else they could do.

* * *

><p>Mrs. Knight and Katie arrived at the hospital no more than fifteen minutes after Kendall called. Arriving, red and puffy eyed, Katie immediately went to her brother and sat on his lap, burying her head in his chest.<p>

"Please tell me James is ok."

Kendall rubbed his sister's back up and down. What was he supposed to say? He could either tell her that everything was ok and risk lying to her, or tell her the truth that he just didn't know. After sighing heavily twice, Kendall spoke up. "I don't know what's going on with James right now, Baby Sister, but he's in good hands, alright?"

Katie looked up from Kendall's chest and looked at him straight in the eye, which broke Kendall's heart when he saw tears streaming down her face. "Are you scared?"

Kendall looked away. "I'm scared because there's only one of James."

Before Katie could ask what he meant, a doctor in a white coat and carrying a clipboard walked in. "James Diamond's family?"

Placing Katie on the ground, Kendall and everyone else stood up. "That's us," Mrs. Knight said, sounding older than she really was. "I'm James' temporary guardian. How is he?"

"I'm Dr. Travis Holland and I'll be James' doctor during his stay here," Dr. Holland said, shaking everyone's hand. "James is stable now and he's resting."

"But he's ok, right?" Carlos wearily said.

"James came in here because he overdosed on prescription painkillers. We pumped his stomach so he'll be ok, but that's not really the main issue here."

Mrs. Knight closed her eyes and took a deep breath before asking the question everyone was dreading. "Are you saying this was a suicide attempt?"

Dr. Holland quickly shook his head. "If this was a suicide attempt, his system would have been overwhelmed with the chemicals of the pills, which it was not."

"What are you saying?" Kendall asked, wishing he would just get to the point.

"Well, as I said before, this was not a suicide attempt since his system was not overwhelmed by the drug. It was only by a few pills did he overdose in the first place. This whole seems like he didn't mean for it to go this far."

"Well, that's good, isn't it?" Logan questioned.

"I wish that's where it ended," Dr. Holland sighed. "After doing some tests, we saw that his system is very… dependent on these pills. The chemicals from the pills are very… evident in his system. It's almost like James has been taking an excessive amount painkillers consistently for quite some time."

Logan gulped. "Are you saying what I think you're saying?"

Dr. Holland nodded sadly. "James is addicted."

* * *

><p>No one was really listening as Dr. Holland explained this and that. They were all too absorbed in their own worlds to care what the doctor was saying.<p>

Carlos felt physically sick. This whole time, this is what James had been doing. Carlos repeatedly asked him to talk with him and James repeatedly told all of them nothing was wrong. James had been lying straight to their faces. This is what happened to his pills, why James always wanted to be alone, and this was why James had been acting the way he had been acting. Carlos was terrified for James, terrified for his life. Everything made so much more sense. But at the same time, everything was so screwed up.

Logan felt guilt, complete and total guilt. He should have seen this, why hadn't he seen this? Logan could see all the symptoms, all the signs, now that he knew. _Now _he realized how James was always so jumpy, anxiety, and his mood swings, how James seemed depressed and how he never slept or ate. James had a lack of interest in everything and his attendance dropped and he neglected all his responsibilities. With his bloodshot eyes, Logan realized that James had lost weight and it's like he didn't even care what he looked like anymore. James could barely speak with slurring his words, his personality completely changed, and he didn't even want to hang out at the pool or with his friends. Demanding more privacy, James was always so… fearful and paranoid; like he was afraid he would be caught doing something. With a sharp pain in his heart, Logan realized that James had lost all motivation to sing and dance.

However, Kendall's worry and concern for James immediately turned into anger. How could James do this to them? How could he do this to _himself_? They did so much for him—they brought him to L.A.—how could he just throw that all away? Kendall didn't know why, but he couldn't feel any worry or guilt or anything other than anger towards James. James had been lying to them for _weeks_ and he didn't even care. Kendall wanted nothing to do with James.

Mrs. Knight suddenly took a deep breath. "When can he come home?"

"Well, he's pretty weak and tired right now, but he can home anytime," Dr. Holland said.

"I guess we'll take him home now," Mrs. Knight whispered.

Dr. Holland nodded and turned to leave. "I'll have a nurse get him ready then."

When the doctor left, Kendall turned to everyone else. "I don't want him to come back with us."

Mrs. Knight put her hand on Kendall's back and started rubbing it. "Honey, it's ok. James needs us right now. You're just mad."

"No, Mom!" Kendall said, ripping her hand away. "James has been _lying _to us! Am I the only one who cares about that?"

"Of course we care," Logan said. "But we care about James more."

Kendall scoffed. "He's destroying himself! He's throwing everything away!"

"I'm sure he has a reason, Kendall!" Carlos defended. "He needs us to be there for him right now."

"He should have talked to us if something was going on!" Kendall yelled. "But no! Instead, he goes to a bottle!"

"Calm down, Kendall!" Mrs. Knight scolded. "James is your best friend. You owe him enough to at least _try_ to understand!"

Kendall crossed his arms. "He doesn't _deserve _my understanding."

"James makes one mistake," Katie suddenly piped up, much to the surprise of everyone. "Does that mean he can't be your friend anymore? People make mistakes, Kendall."

Kendall's expression didn't change. "This one's different, Katie."

Before anyone could respond to that, however, James slowly and carefully walked into the waiting room, head fixed on the ground. He walked over to the group and nervously rubbed the back of his neck.

Mrs. Knight gave her son a warning look and took James by the arm. "Let's just go home."

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><p><strong>So… how was that? I don't think I really got what I wanted to across. But I hope you guys still like it. Like I said before, I haven't been too happy with my writing lately; I've been a little insecure about it, so please bear with me.<strong>

**Oh, and I'm on spring break this week, so I'll be able to write a lot more! **


	8. Out The Door

**Wow. Thank you all so much for the reviews you gave me! You guys are amazing!**

**ANOTHER huge thank you to asdfghjklblah for helping me out! I love you, Caitee!**

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><p>The entire car ride back to the apartment was silent, with everyone twiddling their thumbs and just praying that it would be over soon. However, when everyone finally stormed into the apartment, it was like a bomb went off.<p>

"We have to talk, James," Mrs. Knight as James started towards his room. "Sit down, and Katie, go to the pool or something." Katie sighed and quietly exited the apartment, but James stayed in the hallway, not wanting to sit down.

Kendall glowered. "Sit down!"

Giving Kendall his best glare, James carefully sat down, still weak from the doctor's. Mrs. Knight, Kendall, Carlos, and Logan all stood in front of James, arms crossed. "What's going on with you?" Logan asked, sadness carved in his features.

"I don't know what you're talking about," replied James.

Carlos closed his eyes. "James, the doctor told us everything. We _know_ what's been going on. You've been sneaking around, you've been lying. You've been taking prescription pills." Carlos held up his still wrapped wrist. "Including mine."

James looked away. "I have it under control."

"No, you don't," Mrs. Knight said sternly. "You almost died tonight, don't you see that? You overdosed!"

"Give me the pills, James," Kendall said, trying to stay calm.

James shakily stood up, staring at Kendall right in the eye. "No."

Kendall had to bit his lip to keep from yelling out. "Give me the pills."

James crossed his arms. "No. I'm going to do what I want when I want and you can't stop me. You don't know where they are and I'm not going to give them to you."

Kendall gave up. He couldn't hold his anger in any longer. "Give me the damn pills, James!"

"Calm down, Kendall," Logan warned under his breath, just loud enough for Kendall to hear. "Don't do anything you'll regret."

Kendall turned to Logan. "I think James has done enough of that for all of us."

"Watch your mouth, Kendall!" Mrs. Knight said, shocked at her son's behavior.

James put up his hands. "No, no, Mrs. K., that's ok. I would love to hear more of what Kendall has to say about me."

"What is _wrong _with you?" Kendall spat out. "I don't even know you anymore!"

"Maybe you never knew me at all, Kendall!" James defended. "If you _really _knew me, wouldn't you have found out about this earlier? This is what it takes for you to find out! You live _in the same room _as me, and you couldn't see this!"

"Maybe if someone wasn't lying and sneaking around, I would have! Don't you go blaming this on me, James! This is your entire fault! You couldn't handle your petty little problems and your 'oh so difficult' life, so this is what you did! You are such a loser! A failure!" Kendall took a breath.

"Don't you see what you're doing?" Kendall yelled. "You're killing yourself! You're killing _us_!" Kendall gave James the most disgusted look he could muster. "You make me sick."

James scoffed. "You made me sick a long time ago."

"What is _that_ supposed to mean?" Kendall said, looking angry beyond belief. "What could _I_ possibly have done to _you_?"

"Before you go and call me a failure and a loser, why don't you open your eyes?" James said, surprisingly calm. "There is a reason I resulted to the pills, don't you see that? Maybe if you all were there for me when I needed you most, this wouldn't have happened."

Kendall's mouth dropped. "You're saying that this is _our _fault?" James looked away and shrugged, making Kendall laugh humorlessly. "If it's so horrible here and no one can help you, then why don't you just leave?"

"_Kendall_," Mrs. Knight, Carlos, and Logan said at the same time, each silently begging that everyone would just shut up.

James and Kendall just ignored them. "You know what?" James asked, his voice shaking. "Maybe I will."

And before anyone could stop him, James was out the front door and gone.

* * *

><p>"Why would you do that?" Logan asked. "Huh? Why?"<p>

Kendall looked away. "What he did was wrong, Logan."

"And I'm not saying it wasn't! Look, we know James. And we know that he wouldn't just go off and do something like this. Something must have happened."

"I don't care what happened. He lied, he almost killed himself, and that's all that really matters to me."

"So it doesn't matter to you that it's, oh…" Logan glanced at the clock. "It's about nine o'clock at night and James is out there. Alone."

"Nope; he can stay out there forever for all I care."

Logan shook his head. "You don't mean that. James is your best friend, he's _our _best friend. He could get himself hurt out there, and we're all going to go look for him. Are you coming?"

"No, I'm not. If he wants to come home, he's a big enough boy to find his way back." Kendall grabbed the remote and flopped onto the couch, turning the hockey game on. "So you can all go form your little search party, but you're not going to find anything. That's why I'm not going to waste my time."

"I'm really surprised at you, Kendall," Logan said, his eyes clouded over in disappointment. "I really thought you were bigger than this."

Kendall said nothing to that.

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><p>James really didn't know where he was going. He just knew he had to get away from that apartment. He knew what he was doing was stupid and he was probably going to worry a lot of people, but at this point, he didn't care. He needed out.<p>

Once he got out of the Palm Woods, James just took off. Knowing people would start to look for him, James knew he had to go where no one would think he would be. He wasn't really thinking as he got further and further away; he was too submerged in his own thoughts.

He really messed up this time, he knew that. Between lying for weeks and stealing Carlos' pills, James couldn't blame Kendall for being mad. James screwed up, and what scared him most is that James didn't think he could fix this one.

James didn't know where he was going.

All he could remember was stressing out over hiding his love for pills, the result being Kendall's anger. And he thought the pressure to be perfect was stressful. No, having your best friend angry at you for something stupid you did was the most stressful thing of all. Now, the stress was building up. Again.

Suddenly, the thoughts about Kendall, his stupidity, and running away… gone. And the thoughts of taking pills?

They slowly crawled back in.

James wandered to an alley, lost in thought. He didn't know where on earth he was, but he didn't really care by this point. At that moment, he wondered where he could find a drugstore or something. No one would bail him out for buying Advil or Tylenol. He could easily buy those off of a shelf at Walgreens. He rummaged through his pockets, hoping he would find his wallet. Now that he thought about it, he didn't pack anything for this… runaway, if he could call it that. He hadn't planned anything out.

_Whatever_, James thought indifferently, fumbling through his small black leather wallet. _I'll just wing it, I can totally pull this off—_

"Hey, kid."

Realizing he hadn't been looking where he was going, James averted his eyes from his wallet, glancing upwards. And then he flushed red. A guy with beady black eyes and a thug-like face was staring directly at him.

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><p><strong>Ok. Wow. What did you think of that? Intense enough for ya? Lol. So, you might be able to tell things aren't exactly going to go well for James. But would we really have it any other way? <strong>

**Oh, and please excuse any typos. I didn't get a chance to edit this. Please let me know if you see any!**

**Thank you again, Caitee!**

**Reviews, anyone? C'mon, you guys! We're almost at 100! **


	9. Help

**Ok. Look up a little higher on this screen. What do you see? That's right! We have passed 100 reviews! And it hasn't even been 10 chapters yet! It is official. I have the most awesome, loyal, bestest, plain out amazing readers in the entire world. Thank you so much. This chapter is for all of you!**

**I am so sorry this chapter is so late. I've been really busy!**

**Oh, and there's a point near in the beginning of the story where it kinda changes from time point to time point, if that makes sense. I think you'll understand once you get to that. **

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><p>"Hey kid," the man said again. "What's a pretty boy like you doing all alone in <em>my <em>part of town?"

James gulped and looked around, praying for someone to just come out and save him, like it happened in the movies. However, this only made the man laugh at him.

"What's wrong, boy? Can't talk?" he said, still laughing. "Are you _scared _of me? Well, you know what? I'll give you a bigger reason to be scared." Suddenly, he whistled and two other men came out from seemingly nowhere. They flanked what appeared to be their leader and smirked at James.

Taking a shaky breath, James finally seemed to find his voice. Cautiously, James held out his wallet. "T-take it. It's all I-I have."

"I will, thank you," the first man said, snatching the wallet from James' hand. However, when he looked through it, his smirk left his face and disappeared. He looked up. "What's this?" Anger was apparent in his words.

"M-my wallet," James answered, his fear rising with every second.

"There's only twenty bucks in there," he said, putting the money in his pocket and throwing the wallet to the ground. "And that just won't do. Guess we'll have to make up for that, won't we boys?" Nodding, the other two started to move to each side of James, leaving him surrounded.

"Now, let's just have some fun."

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><p>Kendall flipped from channel to channel, but no matter what show he landed on, he couldn't pay attention. Everything that was going on in his head was directed at the absolute last person in the world he wanted to think about.<p>

James.

No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't stop thinking about his and James' fight. He shouldn't have said those things, he knew. With everything going on, James really just needed his support. But he had to go and mess everything up, just like he always did.

_"Maybe if you all were there for me when I needed you most, this wouldn't have happened."_

Kendall couldn't get over what James had said. What if all this really was his fault? What could he had possibly had done to James? Thinking back, Kendall couldn't exactly think of anything he or the guys had done. Sure, maybe they had been teasing or poking fun at James a little more often, but that wasn't enough to cause all this, was it? Maybe it was…

Frustrated, Kendall turned off the TV; nothing on it was getting his mind off of any of this. Glancing at the clock, Kendall felt his shoulders sag. James had been gone for 3 hours, and, based on what Gustavo has told him, the LA streets were not a place you wanted to be at night, especially when you're alone.

Sighing, Kendall knew he couldn't just wait around anymore. He got up and grabbed his coat, phone, and keys from the counter, planning on just forming his own search party for James. He couldn't just wait around for news anymore.

However, just as Kendall was about to leave the apartment, the house phone rang. Rolling his eyes impatiently, Kendall rushed over to the phone. But when he saw the caller ID, he hesitated to pick up the phone. Soon enough, though, Kendall picked up the phone, pushed the talk button, and held the phone up to his ear.

"H-hello?"

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><p>James groaned. He had been lying on the ground for an hour. Everything hurt. His ribs hurt where they kicked him. His legs and arms hurt where they had hit him. His head hurt where it was slammed into the pavement. His wrist hurt where he fell on it. You could literally <em>feel <em>blood coming out of his body. Every part of his body had some sort or cut or bruise and it _hurt_.

James guessed he could consider himself lucky. This could have been a lot worse. He could have been stabbed or shot. They easily could have killed him.

It was then that James realized the he could have just as easily killed himself.

And that's exactly what he would do if he kept going on like this. He had to stop. He knew it would be hard and he knew he would really have to commit, but he also knew he could do it. However, he also knew he would have to ask for help because he could never do it on his own.

He also knew he can't keep lying on the ground. Someone else could come around and just hurt him even more. He needed to call for help.

Summoning up everything he had, James bit back the pain it caused and fumbled around in his pocket for his phone. He didn't know who to call though. Does he call someone's cell phone? Does he call the police? James knew one thing for sure though—he didn't want to talk to Kendall. Kendall was probably still fuming mad and James was almost ashamed to be around him. After all, everything he had said was right.

Not wanting to still on the cold, hard ground a second longer than he needed to, James just decided to call the apartment phone and whoever picked up would have to do. Dialing the familiar number, James put the phone between his shoulder and his ear, the loud ringing hurting his already pounding head.

_"H-hello?" _Kendall's voice said cautiously.

James mentally groaned. But he needed help, and Kendall could give him that, no matter how mad Kendall was mad at him. "K-Kendall. I n-need help."

_"James? What's wrong?" _Kendall's voice showed genuine concern.

"It, it hurts. It hurts really bad."

_"You're hurt? Don't worry, buddy, I'll come get you. But you have to tell me where you are."_

"I-I'm not totally sure. I'm somewhere in west LA, about an hour w-walk from the apartment-t. I'm in an a-alley. I think there is a W-Walgreens and maybe a p-pawn shop? I'm r-really scared, Kendall."

_"Ok, James. I think I know where you are. Just hold on, ok?"_

James nodded, not caring if Kendall couldn't hear him and hung up, letting the phone fall to the ground. He closed his eyes, and just prayed to God that Kendall would get there soon.

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><p>Kendall zipped down the roads, not caring if he was speeding or cutting people off or whatever. James needed him and that's all that mattered. He didn't know exactly what was wrong, but judging on how much it pained James just to call for help, he knew couldn't be good. He was pretty sure where James was, though, so that was something. He couldn't be much help to James if he couldn't find, that was for sure.<p>

Driving through the heavy traffic, Kendall finally got to where James was. Jumping out, Kendall locked the door and looked around, looking for whatever alley he could find. Looking in the one closest to him, Kendall found nothing but a few dumpsters and a wall covered in graffiti. However, when looking in the second one, he found something large on the ground, lying completely still. And it looked like it was shaped like James.

Running over, Kendall kneed down by the figure and carefully put his hand on it. "James? Is that you?"

The figure groaned. "Kendall?"

Kendall sighed in relief. "It's ok, buddy. I've got you."

"I'm so sorry, I'm just so sorry..."

Kendall gently shushed the hysterical boy. "Hey, let's not worry about now, alright? You're ok. I'm not mad, none of us are. We all just want to help you, ok? That's what we want."

"It hurts so bad. They h-hurt me, Kendall."

"Who did, James? Can you tell me who did this to you?"

"I don't k-know who they-y were. There was th-three of them though."

Kendall felt instant disgust towards whoever did this to his brother. They were lucky Kendall didn't know who they were. "It's ok, James. It's over, you're not alone. I'm here now, ok? And I'm not going anywhere, not ever again."

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><p><strong>I don't really know what to say after that. I haven't been very nice to James lately.<strong>

**Again, I'm sorry I haven't updated in a while. To make it up to y'all, I'm going to try to update by Monday. Let's see how that works out…**


	10. Under the Bed

**I know. I know. This update is long overdue. I'm so sorry! There's just been so much going on! I'm in the middle of the biggest project OF MY LIFE right now, so if this chapter isn't the best in the world, I'm really sorry.**

**Thank you all so much for your reviews on the last chapter! Here's chapter 10! Lol, what a milestone!**

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><p>Kendall tried to help James sit up and try to get him into the car, but James weakly pushed him away. With his eyes closed, he softly said, "Please s-stop. It hurts too m-much."<p>

Not wanting to make a bad situation any worse, Kendall gently lied him back down. "Are you ok? Where does it hurt?"  
>Groaning, James tried to take a deep breath. "My ribs and m-my head mostly. But also my arms and legs and everything just <em>stings<em>."

Looking over him, Kendall wondered if he should take James home or to the hospital. "Do you think I should take you to the doctor?"

But James shook his head. "No. I've already b-been to the doctor once today. That's e-enough."

"Well, to get you home, I have to get you to the car. It's going to hurt, so I'm going to need you to bite the bullet, ok?"

James nodded and braced himself for what was to come. Slowly, Kendall put his arm under James and lifted him into a sitting position. Resisting the urge to scream, James clung to Kendall like he was the only thing keeping him alive. Even slower, Kendall brought James to his feet, but soon finding that James could not support any of his own weight, Kendall dragged him to the passenger side of the car.

After buckling James in, Kendall jogged over to the driver's side and slid in. Making sure to buckle his own seat belt, Kendall started the car and backed away from the side of the road.

James looked out the window, but as he continued to stare at the passing buildings and roads, he felt his eyes close. "Thank you, Kendall," he whispered. "I was afraid you wouldn't c-come."

Kendall kept his eyes on the road. "I will always come for you, James. You're my best friend. What could ever make you think I wouldn't?"

"Because of what happened," James whispered as a lone tear fell down his hollow cheek. "And how stupid I've been. I thought you h-hated me."

Kendall felt guilt squeeze at his heart. "I would _never_ hate you, James, no matter what you did. I was mad and I wasn't thinking. I'm sorry for what I said. I meant none of it, and I will always be here for you. I'm going to support you though this."

James felt ashamed as the tears fell faster and faster, but he made no move to stop them or even wipe them away. "I'm so sorry! I'm just so sorry! I didn't know what else to do!"

Kendall took one hand off the wheel and started rubbing James' back. "Hey, hey, it's ok. You'll be ok. I'm here and so is everyone else, ok? You're not alone."

"I don't want to die," James whispered as he let out another sob.

"And you're not going to. I won't let anything happen to you. I'm always going to be here."

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><p>It took a while and a few cries of pain from James, but Kendall finally got James back up to apartment 2J's bright orange couch. Exhausted from the day's events, James quickly fell asleep. It was a restless sleep, and he still cried out in pain, but he was asleep nonetheless. Sighing, Kendall realized he should probably call someone and let them know that he found James and they were both home.<p>

So Kendall pulled his phone out of his pocket and dialed the familiar number.

Logan picked up on the first ring. _"Kendall! We can't find him and he's out there and he's probably lost and we don't know what to do and—"_

Kendall cut him off. "Calm down, Logan! I found James. He's at home, sleeping on the couch. But he… got into a fight or something and he's pretty banged up."

_"But he's ok?"_

"I'm not sure," Kendall said hesitantly, wondering whether he should tell Logan about how James was crying in the car. "But he's feeling pretty bad about… everything."

_"Is he in a lot of pain?"_

Kendall sighed. "Yeah. I don't know what to do."

There was a pause and Kendall assumed Logan was telling everyone else he found James. _"Ok, we're heading home right now. Just hold on, ok?"_

"Ok. Bye." Kendall hung up the phone, not bothering to wait for an answer. Looking over at James, Kendall could feel the day catching up to him. He was tired and stressed and just wanted to sleep, but that wouldn't be an option for a while. So he sat down and just waited for help to come.

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><p>Mrs. Knight drove as fast as she could without getting in an accident, and as a result, they got back to the Palm Woods in record time. Logan and Carlos didn't even wait for her to turn the car off before they had jumped out and were running for the apartment, ignoring every strange or worried stare they got.<p>

Barging into the room, Logan and Carlos froze when Kendall put his finger up to his lips and nodding over to James, silently telling them to be quiet so James doesn't wake up. Nodding, Carlos and Logan silently made their way over to the couch.

"Oh, James," Logan whispered to himself as he pushed James' bangs behind his ear.

Carlos couldn't even look at the broken boy. "What are we going to do?" he whispered.

"I know what we have to do first," Kendall said, more to himself than anyone. Wordlessly, Kendall stepped away from the couch and started for his room. Confused, Logan and Carlos followed, more out of curiosity than anything else. However, Kendall offered them no explanation as he entered his bathroom. Searching through the cabinets only to turn up nothing, Kendall searched the entire bathroom. Not a single tile was left unsearched.

"Where are they?" Kendall asked, frustrated.

Logan looked around the bathroom. "We have to think like James. He didn't want anyone to find these. Where would James put something that would have easy access but no one would ever check?"

Carlos shrugged. "They're obviously not in here."

"Then that means… they're somewhere in the room," Kendall responded as his green eyes traveled to the doorway. "C'mon."

The three boys walked into the bedroom, scanning the area, looking for _anywhere _the pills may be. As they started searching, Kendall grew more and more frustrated, wondering how James could hide something so well. Knowing him, it was probably right under their noses.

"Where are they?" Kendall asked for the second time.

Sighing, Carlos finally lifted up James' comforter, freezing when he thought he saw something. Dropping to his knees, Carlos peered under James' bed, half hoping to find what he searched for, but also half hoping he was mistaken. But when he saw the bright orange bottle, Carlos knew that he wasn't mistaken at all. "Guys," he squeaked.

Immediately, Logan and Kendall were on the ground with him, peering underneath the bed. What they saw broke their heart into a million, unrepairable pieces. Bottles were scattered all over the floor, some empty and others full. Lids were here and there and pills that had fallen out of the bottle in James' haste to unscrew the lid lay abandoned on the floor. Carlos carefully reached for one of the two bright orange bottles. As he fingered his name on the label, he gulped. Carlos looked away as he put the bottle in his back pocket.

Kendall felt sick as he thought how he was sleeping in the same room as these, only hidden by a few measly blankets. How could he not have seen this? How could he not have noticed? Was he really that horrible a friend? Were these pills better at comforting James than he was? Kendall shook his head as tears formed in his eyes. He was disgusted with himself.

"What do we do with these?" Logan whispered.

"Get rid of them," Kendall answered immediately and without hesitation. "These along with every other pill in this apartment."

Carlos ran to get a garbage bag and when he returned, the three began the difficult task of throwing away James' most precious possessions. As they stood up with bag in hand, they all made the silent agreement and promise of what they were going to do to save James.

They realized that they had to save James from himself.

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><p><strong>Ok. Wow. I am so sorry. I realize that this LONG overdue chapter is short and horrible. I am so sorry.<strong>

**But on the bright size, this project that my school has been talking about all year is almost over, and once that happens, I'll have tons more time to write. Maybe that means the chapters won't be as horrible as this one.**

**:/**


	11. Waking Up

**Ummmm… Before you say anything, yes I understand how long it's been. BUT school is _almost _over (YESSSSSS!) and I can write more! Hopefully I'll write better things than this piece of crap. Seriously, I'm really sorry that I made you wait this long for something this bad. I feel really awful.**

**Again, I'm really sorry, but this is just a filler chapter. :/**

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><p>"What do we do about him?" Carlos nodded to the still sleeping James. He and the other two had just walked back into the apartment, after throwing away the garbage bag in the dumpster behind the Palm Woods.<p>

"We should probably wake him up," Logan said, arms crossed. "I want to make sure he doesn't have to go to the hospital."

"What are we supposed to do about the pain?" Kendall asked wearily. "It's not like we can just give him painkillers…"

Logan sighed. "I honestly have no idea. I've never dealt with anything like this before. I think he'll just have to deal with it."

"That seems a little harsh," Carlos pouted, his lip out. "There's nothing to do about it?"

Kendall patted Carlos' back. "Afraid not, bud. He'll be ok though, don't worry."

Logan sighed again, shaking his head. Why did this have to happen to them? Was this some sort of sick punishment? What could they possibly have done to deserve this? "Carlos, go get an ice pack. Kendall, go get an ace bandage in case I need to wrap his ribs or something."

Silently, Kendall and Carlos left to get the desired supplies and Logan leaned down by the sleeping James. Carefully, but still firm, Logan shook James' shoulder to wake him up, saying his name softly. At first, James just groaned and tried to push Logan away, but the small brunette persisted. Finally, James opened his eyes and cried out in pain, wrapping his arms around his sides.

Logan rubbed James' back. "I know it hurts, buddy, I know. But I'm going to try to make it stop, alright?"

James' jaw clenched. "I need them. They'll make it stop."

Logan sighed, knowing exactly what the boy was referring to. "James, you and I both know that you can't have them. They're gone. But you'll be just fine without them. I promise."

Before James could respond, Kendall and Carlos returned with the supplies needed. Logan quietly thanked them and then asked the boy on the couch where it hurt the most. After James pointed to his head and ribs, Logan gently placed the ice pack on his head and carefully wrapped James' aching ribs.

"Is he ok?" Carlos whispered, sounding more like a five-year-old than seventeen.

Logan stood up. "I don't think his ribs are broken, just bruised. I want to keep an eye on his head though, just in case. And I should probably disinfect some of those cuts." Without another word, Logan quickly went into his and Carlos' room and returned with his first aid kit in hand. Pulling out the disinfectant, Logan quietly whispered, "This is going to sting a little." Despite James' slight protest, Logan set to work.

As soon as the medicine touched one of his cuts however, James cried out and pulled it away. Kendall and Carlos shared a look, not quite knowing what to do with themselves or how to help. "Stay still, James," Logan groaned. "It'll go a lot faster and hurt a lot less if you stay still."

Still mumbling to himself, James held out his arms and looked away. His arms began to sting, but he only whimpered once and kept his arms out until the job was done. After repeating the procedure with his legs, Logan finally packed his first aid kit back up. "Ok," Logan said softly, "you can look now."

Carefully, James looked at his bandaged arms and legs. They honestly didn't feel better, but he supposed this was better than having them become infected later. "Thanks," he mumbled.

"What _happened_, James?" Carlos asked.

James shrugged. But that wasn't good enough for Kendall. He was tired of James not answering any questions. This was something they all needed to know. "Answer him, James. What happened when you left? Tell me the full truth."

James sighed. As much as he hated it, he knew this was one subject he wouldn't be able to keep from his friends. "I was really m-mad when I left," James started, his head down. No way would he be able to face his friends when telling the story. "And I didn't really know where I was going. Before I knew what happened, I was somewhere that I wasn't f-familiar with. And I didn't know what to do.

"I guess I was almost trying to run away from my problems, to run away from everything that was happening. But when I finally stopped in that alley, everything came rushing back. I thought about all my problems, my f-fight with Kendall, and even how stupid I was for running away in the first place. But then, as I looked around, all of that sort of… just went away. And then I remembered how good it felt to take the pills and how they took all the pain away and what it felt l-like…"

James paused before he told the next part. He stole a glance at his friends. Their faces were almost emotionless, stony, but they showed no signs of him wanting to stop. So he continued. "I thought I saw a Walgreens or something n-nearby and I thought I could just get some Ibuprofen or something and get that feeling again. But when I reached into my wallet to see how much money I had, I heard s-someone talking to me." James gulped. "They wanted m-money, but I only had twenty dollars-s and that wasn't enough. I d-don't remember a-a lot more than that."

"How much does it hurt?" Carlos whispered.

"A lot," James said simply. "But that's ok. I deserve it."

"No you don't," Kendall defended, surprising everyone. "_We_ drove you to this. It was _us_ that made you think this was the only way out. I just… I just wish that I was the one in that alley. _I _deserve this, not you."

James chuckled humorlessly. "It was my fault. I'm the one who was stupid enough to do this. And now I can't stop thinking about them. Every waking moment is about them. That's why I deserve all of this. It's my fault."

Logan could feel Kendall about to refute that, but he quickly spoke up. "Let's not worry about any of this now, alright? You should probably go lie down in your room, James. Maybe you'll feel better when you wake up. Kendall, Carlos, help him to his room."

As Carlos and Kendall struggled to help James to bed, Logan sat back down on the couch and put his head in his hands. He had no idea that one group of boys could be in this big of a mess. And he saw no way out of it.

Without a doubt, he knew that James would have to go to therapy or something. If he couldn't go one minute without thinking about the pills, there was most definitely a problem that wasn't just going to go away on its own. He also knew that James would not be so easy about giving it up like he just appeared to be. This was going to take hard work, dedication, and maybe a few fights, but Logan knew that no price was big enough not to pay to get rid of those pills.

Logan just wanted his best friend back.

**Yeah, that sucked. Big time. I'm really sorry! But this was the best I could get out for this. I promise the next one will be better! It will!**

**Backstage Rush was amazing. 'Nough said.**


	12. No One Meant To

**I am so sorry for the lateness of this chapter. I don't even have an excuse. I just didn't know what to write. Plain as that.**

**Um. I have some big news. Get ready. Are you ready? Ok.**

**SUMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRR IS HERE!**

**I have been waiting for this since summer ended last year! It's finally back! That means… More time for friends, more time for family, more time for vacations, more time to not do schoolwork, and MORE TIME TO WRITE! Goodness gracious. **

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><p>James slept in late the next day, as was understood. When he finally woke up, he found himself to be alone in his bedroom, which was extremely rare, since Kendall slept in so late every day. Craning his neck to the digital clock on his nightstand, James learned that it was nearing 11 o'clock in the morning. However, when James tried to get up, he was so sore that he just fell right back into his pillows. Groaning, James wrapped his arms around his aching ribs.<p>

Just then, Logan opened the door, looking surprised when he saw James awake in bed. "I was just coming to wake you up. How are you feeling?"

Clenching his teeth, James wrapped his arms tighter around his abdomen. "It hurts."

"I know, buddy," Logan said with a small smile. "It'll get better."

James looked at Logan with pleading eyes, a look Logan had never seen before. There was desperation in his hazel orbs, almost on the verge of panic. "Please, Logan. Please. I need them. Just this last time, I promise this will be the last time."

Logan felt slightly bad for what he knew his answer had to be, but there was no way around it. "James, you know as well as I do why you can't have them. The sooner you accept the fact that you can't have them, the better off we'll all be. Your body is so… dependent on the pills, your brain is so convinced that you can't live without them. But don't you see it doesn't have to be that way? Don't you see that they don't have to control you?"

"You don't get it, Logan," James sighed. "I don't _want _the pills, I _need _them. They just… fix everything. They take everything away and I don't think I can live without that."

"But you can, James! You are the master of your own body. Mind over matter, you know? You may think that you can never let go of them, but you can. I'm not saying it'll be easy, because it won't. I'm not saying that you can fight it on your own, because you can't. But I am saying that you can find the strength and you can find the courage to fight this… addiction because you can."

James crossed his arms and looked away. "I'm not addicted."

Logan felt his shoulders drop. "It's a lot to accept, James. But the truth is the truth, no matter how much we wish it was different. And I would rather make you angry by telling you the truth than to lie to you to make you happier. You are worth the truth, that's all you deserve, so that's what I'm going to give to you. I'm not going to sugar coat it or anything like that. I'm just going to give you the blunt truth.

"You are addicted. Right now, that pill bottle controls your life, your thoughts, your movements... That bottle _owns _you right now. But it doesn't have to stay that way. You can change. You can take yourself back. You just have to find the strength, find the courage, find the motivation. And we'll help you every step of the way. I promise that you won't go through this alone." Logan put his hand on James shoulder after he finished.

"Again, you just don't get it, Logan," James said once more, shrugging off Logan's hand. "It's not that easy. It's easy for you to _say_ because you don't have to go through it. I'm not the one who actually has to _fight_."

"I know that you—"

However, James cut Logan off there. "No, you don't _know_, Logan. It doesn't matter how many books you've read or how much research you've done or how much you _think _you know. Until you've lived it, you will never know _for sure_. You don't know what it feels like to be hit by a train just by reading about someone who was. It's the same thing as this. You can know all the scientific facts about this, but until you've lived through it, you will never know my side of the battle. So please, I don't want you or Kendall or Carlos ever telling me that you 'know how I'm feeling' or whatever. Because you just don't."

Logan nodded understandingly. "But I'm still going to try to do everything I can to help you. We all are."

"Good," James said. "Because I have absolutely no idea how I'm going to do this. I'm afraid to admit it, Logan."

"Admit what?"

"Admit that I'm completely and totally terrified. I really screwed up this time. I know that you say that I can take them out of my life, I mean, people do it every day. But what if I can't? It's been maybe one day since I last had a pill and I'm already starting to go crazy. I want it so bad."

"Why? Why do you need them so bad? What makes them so special, James? What can they offer that we can't?"

James looked away. "When I first discovered the pills, I was so stressed and I was hurt and I felt like I couldn't turn to anyone. I was just so… I was in so much pain and I all I wanted was for the pain to go away. I couldn't find anything else, and I figured that if they could take away physical pain, they could take away the pain inside of me too. It started out as just a couple, but then I just kept going, and they just… they took everything away. I couldn't feel the stress or the pain that up until that point, I thought would never go away, that I could never get rid of. I couldn't feel anything. I would rather feel nothing at all than everything that I've been feeling lately."

Logan closed his eyes, debating to himself whether or not he should ask the question on his mind. He was afraid of the answer James might give, afraid its effects. Finally, he gave in and asked just barely above a whisper. "Were we the source of your pain, James? Me and Kendall and Carlos? You know, with all the…'jokes' we say?"

James looked away, refusing to answer. But his silence was answer enough to Logan. Logan clenched his eyes shut to try to prevent what he could feel happening, but it was to no use. One by one, the tears escaped from his eyes, sliding down his cheeks and neck into his shirt, though he didn't bother to wipe them away. "I am so sorry, James," Logan whispered.

"Come here," James said, his voice surprising strong despite the internal battle raging inside of him. He opened his arms and Logan didn't even hesitate when he crawled onto the bed into James' arms. James just held Logan as his tears turned to sobs and he clung to James as he realized just how close they came to losing him, how close they still were. James rubbed his back and tried to shush the smaller boy, all the while still trying to contain his own tears.

"I'm so sorry!" Logan cried out again. "We didn't mean for this to happen! I promise! We didn't know! We didn't mean anything!"

James just held Logan tighter in response. "I know you didn't mean to, buddy. And I don't blame you. I don't blame any of you. The only one to blame is me for being so stupid. No one meant for anything to go this far. I'm the one who's sorry, Logan. I really am. I was so stupid. I didn't mean to hurt you…" As soon as the words escaped his lips, James' felt the tears form, filling his eyes. Eventually, they began to overflow his eyes, leaving nowhere else for them to go but down. Since James' head was slightly tilted, the tears fell from his face and landed on top of Logan's head, absorbing into his brunette locks.

"We should have been there for you," Logan sobbed, not even noticing James' tears that were falling. "We did this!"

"No, this is not your fault," James said, as his voice finally cracked. "It's mine. I hurt the people who meant the most to me and I will never forgive myself for that."

"But we hurt you first. And you didn't deserve that. Now that I look back and I remember _everything _we said _every day_… We drove you to this!" Logan closed his eyes as memories flooded his mind, making him cry harder.

James ignored the pain in his ribs as Logan's grip around him continued to become tighter and tighter. Instead, he continued to hold Logan as he sobbed and James silently cried himself. No words being exchanged, James used his free hand to wipe away Logan's tears that continued to fall. But with each one of Logan's tears that were wiped away, two more fell from James' eyes. Logan drove him to do nothing. But James drove Logan to this. Guilt clouded his mind. He wished he never had taken that first pill. Holding Logan closer to him, James realized the smaller boy was right. He was addicted and this is the result of it.

As Logan continued to cry and James continued to hold him and wipe his tears, James made a silent promise to himself and to his brothers.

No matter how hard it would be, no matter how much he would want to quit, James would stop this. No matter what it took, James would heal his brothers, he would heal himself.

James was going to fix this house.

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><p><strong>Wow. I am so sorry this took so long. I wasn't inspired and I didn't know what to write… Ugh. But I hope this makes up for it. I know it wasn't the best, but I really tried hard on this one.<strong>

**I'll try to update as soon as I can! I'll try so that it won't take as long as this did! Love ya guys! **


	13. A Million Raindrops

**Thanks for all the support guys! I'm really glad you liked the last chapter! Here's the next!**

**I'm sorry for the long wait, but thank you all for staying with me! Love you all!**

**Oh, and for the idea for the last part of this chapter, I gotta give it up to PrincessShannie! Thank you so much! You rock, Shannon! **

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><p>Eventually, Logan's sobs exhausted him and he fell asleep, still in James' arms. However, James lay awake, and his tears kept coming, no matter how much he willed them to stop. He really messed everything up this time. He hurt his best friends because of his own selfishness. Why did he have to screw everything up all the time?<p>

Carefully, as to not wake Logan, James slipped his arms out from under Logan and laid him back in the bed, putting his comforter over Logan's small frame. Taking small, painful steps, James made his way to the bathroom. After using the restroom, James washed his hands and dried them; only after he put the towel back on the rack did James look in the mirror.

He hated who he had become.

When James looked in the mirror, he didn't see himself. He didn't see James Diamond. He saw a thin, pale, sickly stranger. He saw a liar, he saw someone who hurt those who loved him. No, when James looked in the mirror, he saw everything he never wanted to become, who he promised he would never be.

The guilt was overriding him. He couldn't take it. Suddenly, James calmly reached out and opened the medicine cabinet. His hands glided over the various ointments and toothpastes, but he could not find what he was looking for. There was no Ibuprofen, no Advil, no painkillers, _nothing!_ Realization dawned on James. His friends had taken everything away.

Or had they?

Careful of Logan, James wondered back to the bedroom and quietly went to his knees. Peering underneath his bed, James reached in a hand, but all he felt was carpet. Sticking his head under, James saw that the secret he had been hiding for so long was just… gone. James back up and leaned against his bedroom door, sliding to the ground in shock and putting his head in his hands.

His guilt vanished in an instant. Instead, it was replaced with panic. He couldn't deal with the guilt that ruled over his life. It needed to go away, along with the pain coursing through his abdomen. The only way to make that possible, however, was through his pills. His pills took away everything, and one more time wasn't really going to make a difference, would it?

But he couldn't get to them, and that panicked him. He wasn't in control anymore, and he hated that feeling. He needed his pills, but James had no way to them anymore.

James couldn't decide whether that was a good thing or not.

* * *

><p>"Carlos? You doing ok, bud?" Kendall asked when he saw Carlos just sitting on the couch. He looked like he was torn between bursting in tears and throwing up.<p>

Carlos shook his head, like he was trying to wake himself up. He stared at Kendall and for a moment, no one said anything. Carlos looked at Kendall with an expression that he had never worn before, and frankly, it scared Kendall. The innocence in his eyes that was Carlos was so well known for was gone, replaced by eyes that had seen too much, knew too much, to ever be the same again. There were unshed tears lining his eyes, and they looked to be almost shaking, like Carlos was trying much too hard to keep them from falling. But above all, Carlos looked… sad. The heartbroken expression on Carlos' face was enough to shatter the already broken pieces of Kendall's heart.

Sitting down next to Carlos, Kendall opened his arms and pulled Carlos in. Carlos buried his face in Kendall's chest and he finally let go. Carlos cried and cried, feeling guilty that he was ruining Kendall's shirt, but not being able to stop. Soon, he began to feel Kendall's body jerk unnaturally, and looking up, he saw that Kendall had begun to cry too.

"I feel like I just lost my best f-friend!" Carlos sobbed, the words tasting like poison.

"But we're going to get him back," Kendall whispered, trying to control his tears, trying to be strong for Carlos. He needed to be the rock for this house right now. And he couldn't be that if he couldn't control himself. "He's still the same James we've known forever, Carlos. He's just… a little lost right now. But we're going to help him find his way back. Everything will go back to the way it was, even better. It'll all be ok."

Kendall felt Carlos shake his head against his chest. Carlos pushed himself away from Kendall's strong arms, turning his face away. His sobs had quieted down. "Don't you get it, Kendall?" Carlos' voice was surprisingly low and serious. "You can't just snap your fingers and fix everything, fix James. Not this time." Carlos took a shaky breath. "You act like you know all the answers to everything. Maybe it's so we won't feel so scared, or maybe you really think you do, but I'm going to tell you right now that no matter what you do, you will never have all the answers. There are some things you just can't fix."

Kendall looked confused. "You sound like you're giving up on James already."

"I don't know what I'm saying, ok? Maybe I am and maybe I'm not. I don't know anymore. There used to be a time when I thought we kept _nothing _from each other. I thought we didn't lie to each other. I thought we were closer than that. But now? It makes me wonder how much we _really _know each other. I feel like we don't know each other at all."

Kendall tried to absorb what Carlos had just said. Did he seriously doubt their friendship? "You know me better than anyone, Carlos, just like you know James and you know Logan. We've known each other for years. How can you say you don't know us?"

"What else am I supposed to think, Kendall? Look around! Open your eyes! We lost James. I don't care what you say. He may just be sleeping in the other room, but to me, he is_ gone_."

Kendall shook his head. "I cannot believe that you're giving up so easily on your best friend. Where is the Carlos that I know? Huh? The old Carlos would never give up on his best friends, _never._ Maybe James isn't the one that's so lost." Kendall took a deep breath to compose himself. "I don't care what you say. I will _never_ give up on James because he is my_ best friend_, he's my _brother. _And if you were really any of that to him, you wouldn't give up on him either."

"Well, then maybe I'm not because if James was _my_ best friend, he wouldn't do this to me."

Kendall stared at Carlos in shock. "I cannot believe you just said that. You're talking about the same James that has been there for you since you were five. He never left you, not once. And now, when times get a little tough, you abandon him. How could you just… leave him like that? You can't be serious."

Tears silently fell down Carlos' cheek. "I don't want to feel this way. But I'm scared. I'm scared that James will never get better. What if he's like this forever?"

"He will be, unless he has _all _of his friends by his side. Aren't you willing to give him that?"

Carlos paused for a moment, thinking intently. Finally, he sighed. "James is my brother, and he always will be. But the person in that room is not my brother. But if he's willing, then I'm going to fight to get him back. I will never give up on James. He never did on me and now it's my turn to hold him up, just like he's held me up all these years."

Kendall smiled and pulled Carlos into another hug. "I knew you would come through."

* * *

><p>James sat in shock by his bedroom door. He could not believe what he had just heard. When Kendall and Carlos thought James was asleep, he was really very close, and even with the bedroom door blocking their way, James heard everything.<p>

He sat there for the whole day, just thinking. Logan surprisingly and thankfully never woke. He was obviously physically and emotionally drained. They all were. However, around ten o'clock at night, James' thoughts drifted back to the conversation between Carlos and Kendall he heard that morning, despite how much he wanted to avoid it.

Now he knew what Carlos was really thinking. He was _this close_ to losing Carlos. And he still is. James ripped at his head as his thoughts overwhelmed him. He couldn't take this. The guilt, the panic, the worry, the pain were mixing together not so nicely in his blood stream. He couldn't take it. He had to escape his thoughts.

And there was only one way he knew how.

Going to his nightstand, James grabbed his wallet, and with one sad glance to sleeping Logan, James left the bedroom. Seeing that Kendall and Carlos were fast asleep on the couch, James snuck past them and quietly opened the door, slid through it, and closed it again. Breathing a sigh of relief, James started down the hallway and into the elevators. Pressing the lobby button, James nervously put his thumbs in his pocket and rocked on his heels. When the elevator dinged and the doors opened, James walked out, ignoring the snoring Bitters at the front desk. Instead, he made his way outside into the chilly night air.

He knew that there was a drug store not two minutes away from the Palm Woods. They sold Ibuprofen and Advil and Tylenol and just about any pain killer you could get over the counter. It would be so easy to just go and buy some.

James decided to take a shortcut through the park, but halfway through, he stopped. He heard thunder in the distance, but he didn't care. He stood there for what seemed like forever, thinking about absolutely nothing. Suddenly, he was brought back with a huge crack of thunder and it was pouring rain, like some horribly cliché movie. He shook his head and looked straight ahead. The drug store is _so close_, but is that what James really wanted? Would that really work? Would it be the smart thing to do? He couldn't do that to his friends, especially Carlos, who was already so close to losing faith in him.

Frustration started to set in, making James feel lightheaded. He felt like a giant hole was absorbing him. He felt like he was falling and screaming for help, but no matter how loud he screamed no one could hear him or no one cared. Leaning against a tree for support, James closed his eyes, trying to shake away the feeling.

Opening his eyes and staring at the tree before him, James' frustration quickly and abruptly turned to anger. Not knowing how to get it out, James suddenly brought his hand back and punched the tree. The he punched it with his other hand with all his strength. Then he did it again. And again. And again.

For half an hour, James took out every ounce of anger and frustration he had on that poor tree. He beat it so hard that his hands were shredded and bleeding, with pieces of the tree stuck in the cuts. Holding his hands up to inspect them, James saw how the rainwater mixed with the blood, making it drip off his hands to the grass. Strangely, James knew his hands should be stinging and burning, but he felt nothing.

Breathing heavily, James slid down the tree into the grass. Putting his head in his bloody hands once again, James blinked the tears away that were forming in his eyes. He felt like screaming, screaming for everything he did and everything he was feeling.

He couldn't take this anymore. Every move he made was judged. Everything he did was monitored. And every decision he made ended up hurting someone. He couldn't do this anymore. He couldn't do this to his friends or to himself. He just wished that he could be normal again.

So there James sat, in the pouring rain with bloody hands, cursing himself for everything he has done.

* * *

><p>Another huge crack of thunder sounded throughout the apartment, vibrating off the walls. Logan jolted awake, sitting up in James' bed. He sleepily turned to his side only to see that James was nowhere to be seen. He nonchalantly peered into the bathroom, expecting to see James washing his hands or something. When he didn't see James in the bathroom, he checked the living room, only to find a very cute Kendall and Carlos sleeping on the couch. Becoming only slightly panicked, Logan checked everywhere else in the apartment. When he couldn't find James anywhere, Logan became terrified.<p>

"Kendall! Carlos!" Logan called as raced back into the living room, being mindful that Mrs. Knight and Katie were sleeping in the next room. He threw pillows at the sleeping boys in a panicked attempt to wake them up.

"_Logaaaaaaaaaaan_," Carlos whined as he sat up, eyes still closed.

"What's going on?" Kendall yawned as he rubbed his eyes to get the sleep out. "What time is it?"

Logan glanced at the clock. "It's almost 11:15," he whispered.

"Well," Carlos started, sounding extremely annoyed. "Why are we up at 11:15?"

Logan gulped, knowing what he was about to say was going to send panic and terror to his friends, enough to scare them awake. He felt slightly guiltly, but they needed to act fast.

"James is gone."

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><p><strong>Ok. Wow. Yeah. That was like. 4 pages on Microsoft. I never write that long of chapters. Because I'm lazy. <strong>

**But did you guys like it? As I was writing the conversation between Kendall and Carlos, it wasn't even supposed to end up like that but then it did and then Carlos was sad but Kendall was bordering mad… Yeah. But I think it works.**

**Again, thank you Shannon! I know that this wasn't exactly what you suggested, I kinda twisted it, but I wouldn't have been able to write this without you! Thanks again!**


	14. Let Me Die

**Oh my gosh. I am so sorry that this is so late! I'm so sorry. Ugh. **

**Oh, but a VERYYY happy (belated) birthday to James Maslow! I LOVE YOU. EVEN THOUGH I AM SO MEAN TO YOU IN MY STORIES. BUT I ONLY DO IT BECAUSE I LOVE YOU.**

**P.S. THANKS CAITEE FOR HELPING ME WITH THIS TITLE. **

**_WARNING: _****This chapter is extremely sad. Just sayin'.**

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><p>Kendall sat straight up; any trace of sleep was immediately washed away. "What do you mean James is… gone?"<p>

Logan put his head in his hands and massaged his face. "I thought James was sleeping in his bed with me, but then thunder woke me up and I saw that he was just… not there."

"Are you sure he's just not in the bathroom or something?" Kendall asked, begging that the answer would be what he needed to hear. "I mean, where would he go?"

Logan sighed. "I check _everywhere_ in the apartment. I can guarantee you that James is not here."

Carlos took a deep breath, thinking back to his conversation with Kendall earlier that day. He didn't know what to think. He didn't want to give up on James, he didn't want to lose him, but he didn't know if he was strong enough to deal with this. He took another breath. "Then let's go look for him."

Kendall resisted the urge to start pulling at his hair. "But where are we supposed to look? He could be anywhere. We don't even know _why _he left in the first place."

Logan rolled his eyes. "Why do you think, Kendall?"

Kendall sighed. "That's what I'm hoping it's not."

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><p>Not knowing what to do, James just sat there by the tree in the pouring rain still sobbing his eyes out. He hated what had become of him. If he had one wish, it would be to go back in time, back to the day that he first took the pills and stop himself. But until someone finally perfected the time machine, that wouldn't be an option any time soon. Everything was incredibly screwed up and nothing would ever be the same again. He felt incredibly alone, but he also felt like he deserved to be alone. The farther away from his friends he was, the less he would be able to hurt them.<p>

He knew what he should do. He knew he should get up and back into the apartment before his friends woke up and freaked. But he just couldn't bring himself to get up. And as he looked up into the sky and saw the rain falling down, James wondered if all of this was worth it.

He wanted to know when it was going to get better. He wanted to know when the pain would stop. He was tired of everything. He was tired of living like this, feeling like a huge hole had been punched through his chest. He was tired of his head telling him how worthless he was and that people would like him better when he was gone. Maybe his thoughts were right.

And that's when James realized that just because you're breathing; it doesn't mean you're alive.

* * *

><p>"He probably cut through the park," Logan said, grabbing everybody's jackets from the closet. "We should go that way."<p>

"Do you think we're too late?" Carlos said, still clinging to the hope that this whole thing was just a nightmare, and he would just wake up and this whole thing would be over.

"Let's not think about that," Kendall said as he took his jacket from Logan's hand. "Let's just go. Maybe we can stop him."

Without any other words being said, the three boys took off, deciding that the stairs would be faster and taking them. Ignoring how the lobby was eerily quiet and empty, they ran into the park, screaming James' name for all they were worth.

It was Kendall who saw James sitting underneath the tree.

Calling for Logan and Carlos, Kendall took off for the tree, only coming to a stop when he was a few feet away from James. Despite the distance and the loudness of the downpour, Kendall could hear James sobbing. Dropping to his knees and hearing Logan and Carlos doing the same behind him, Kendall put his hand on James' shoulder, slightly shaking him.

It was like James didn't even know he was there.

"James?" Kendall croaked out, sounding like he was about to cry himself. "James, please look at me. Talk to me. Please, do _anything_."

James quieted his sobs and looked up at Kendall, even though tears were still streaming down his face. A second later, he shook his head and looked away, his sobs starting to escalate again.

It was Logan who decided to ask the question that was clouding all of their minds. "James, listen to me." James looked up at Logan. "Tell me the truth. Did you go to the pharmacy?" James shook his head and a sigh of relief could be heard the three other boys. "Then what happened?"

James looked back down, deciding whether or not he should talk to them. Thankfully, his friends didn't press him. After five minutes of pure silence, with the only sound was the rain hitting the ground, James sighed and looked back up.

"After Logan f-fell asleep, I was lying there and I was started having these… th-thoughts. And I just wanted them to g-go away-y. And the only way I knew how was with the p-pills. Then I realized that you guys g-got rid of them all. But I _needed_ them. So I was going to s-sneak out and go get some, but I h-heard Kendall and Carlos talking through the door." Kendall and Carlos' hearts both dropped. "So I-I just kind of… stopped. And I just sat by the door till it g-got dark. Then I was going to g-get more pills and I was coming to g-get them, but I realized what might happen if I did."

James looked at Carlos when he said this, like he was pleading with Carlos not to go. "So I s-stopped again. Then I got really angry and frustrated and I felt like the ground was trying to swallow me. And I just wanted it to go _away _and I might have taken it out on the tree."

James held up his hands for his friends to see and they all gasped. His hands were completely ripped up, bleeding with pieces of tree bark in the cuts. But they still said nothing. "And… and I got sad and I got these even _worse _thoughts and I just down and I couldn't help it. I started crying."

Kendall sat back, just staring at James. "I am so proud of you, James."

James just looked confused. "Why?" he sobbed. "Don't you see what a screw up I am?"

"You stopped yourself, James," Logan cut in. "You kept yourself from those pills even with your body screaming for them. Don't you see how strong you are?"

"But I'm not! I just s-screw everything up for you g-guys! You would all be better off without me!" James screamed.

Carlos held back his sob. "What were these bad thoughts, James?" Carlos whispered.

But James couldn't hear him over the rain. "W-What?"

"What were these thoughts, James?" Carlos yelled, the sobs escaping from his throat. "Tell me!"

James couldn't even talk though his sobs. Kendall and Logan tried to comfort him, while Carlos stayed back, waiting for his answer.

Realization dawned on Logan, making him almost throw up. "James? Please tell me that you didn't think of that. _Please_."

Finally, James spoke up. "Sometimes I think it would be easier if I was just dead. Then no one would have to care and I wouldn't have to hurt you or me or anyone anymore. I just don't know if any of this is worth it. Because from where I'm sitting, it doesn't look so good."

Kendall, Carlos, and Logan felt like they couldn't breathe. Their very best friend in the world, their _brother_, just told him that dying would be better than living like this. They had no idea what to do.

"I'm sorry," James sobbed, his words muffled because his head was in his hands. "I'm just waiting for you all to see how horrible I am. Because then you'll all leave."

"James, we will never leave you," Kendall said, tears freely flowing down his cheeks. "But please, just please, don't leave us. _Please_."

Carlos spoke up for the first time in a while. "James, I know that you heard that I was giving up on you, but I promise it's not true. Not at all. I won't leave you. I could never leave you."

James smiled a sad, small smile. "That's the thing, Carlos. Everybody leaves in the end."

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><p><strong>Ok, I know you all are probably thinking that I have no heart. But I almost cried while I was writing this. No joke.<strong>

**Again, happy birthday James. And sorry for this chapter. I know I'm being mean to you.**

**I'll try super hard to get the next chapter out faster than this one! And I'll try to make it longer. And better. And maybe even a little happier. Because I feel worn out from all this angst. OVERLOAD. **

**Reviews, anyone? **


	15. A Secret to Keep

**Um… hi? Ok. Before anyone says anything, yes, I do know how long it's been. Yes, I do feel bad about it. I've just been so busy! Between getting ready for school, vacation, and summer reading projects, I've been swamped! But thank you all so much for your support and patience!**

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><p>Though it was still pouring and James was still crying, the guys somehow managed to make it back up to the apartment. No one had spoken since their conversation by the tree. Immediately, Logan dragged James to the kitchen island and went into the bathroom to grab his first aid kit from underneath the sink. Kendall and Carlos sat in the bar stools, wanting to comfort James, but not quite knowing just what to do. And James just stood by the island, silent tears making thier way down his cheeks.<p>

Logan hurried over and took out tweezers, disinfectant, and bandages from the little white box. Carefully and silently, Logan picked up James' right hand and began to use the tweezers to pick the little pieces of bark out of the cuts. James flinched a few times, but other than that, he made no acknowledgement that Logan was even there. Putting the tweezers down gently, Logan switched to the disinfectant and sprayed the substance all over James' hand. As soon as it made contact, James hissed in pain.

"Sorry," Logan muttered, making it the first word spoken in over twenty minutes. Gently bandaging his hand, Logan released it and picked up his left hand to repeat the process. After granting James both his hands, Logan instructed James to go take a warm shower and change into some dry clothes. Simply nodding his head, James rubbed his hands together and walked out of the room.

As soon as they heard the bedroom door shut, Carlos stood up. He took a shaky breath and looked at his two best friends. "What are we supposed to do now?" Carlos asked, sounding very anxious.

Almost like a reflex, Logan and Carlos looked to Kendall. It was unspoken between the four of them, but Kendall had always been the leader, always been the problem solver. He was the one the other three went to for help because they had always relied that Kendall would be the one to keep his cool and figure a way out. He was the one who held everyone up and he was the one who Logan and Carlos turned to now.

But right now, Kendall had no idea what to do. It was a fact that was harder to swallow than a rock. He had always prided himself in having an answer to every problem, a plan to every situation. He never lost his cool and he never panicked. That's just who he was. While some might crack under the pressure, Kendall never felt the weight on his shoulders. But now, that weight felt like it was crushing him, bringing him down so far and so low that no one could help him up. He felt immense guilt that he couldn't help James because that was supposed to be his job. But right now, he had not a single idea.

Kendall closed his eyes and sighed. "I just… I don't know what to do," he finally admitted.

"None of us do, Kendall," Logan said, sensing Kendall's guilt. "None of us do."

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><p>James closed his eyes and the hot water pounded against his bare back. His thoughts swarmed in his head, almost making him dizzy. He felt like he was only taking wrong turns. He felt like every move he made was a mistake. His tears mixed in with the water coming from the shower head, so he couldn't tell which was which.<p>

He hated himself. He hated himself more than anyone else ever could. He hated himself for hurting his friends. He hated himself for having these thoughts. But above all, he hated himself for being such a letdown.

He felt like disappearing. And he knew that no one would be surprised when he did.

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><p>Kendall, Carlos, and Logan sat on the bright orange couch, staring at the muted television. They had been silent for the past hour. They had heard James come out of the shower and change. After checking on him, Kendall had confirmed that he was fast asleep. He was obviously exhausted. He didn't, however, tell Logan and Carlos that there were still tears stains on his face, showing that he had cried himself to sleep.<p>

Finally, Kendall sighed and turned the TV off. No one was paying attention to it. "My mom called his parents earlier today. They should be getting in tomorrow."

"What was their reaction?" Carlos asked, completely void of any emotion.

"She didn't tell me," Kendall sighed again. "I'm sure they were devastated though. You know how protective they are over him."

"What are we going to do?" Logan asked, though he knew none of them had an answer. "James told us he wanted to die. We can't ignore that."

"He needs help," Kendall finally concluded. "He needs to go to counseling or something. We need to help him get better. I want _our _James back."

"That won't go over well with him, you know," Carlos commented. "He won't like it at all. He's going to fight us on it. Every step of the way."

"That's a challenge we'll have to take," Logan said, completely determined. "I think I can speak for all of us when I say that I'm willing to fight for James."

Kendall and Carlos nodded. "His parents come in pretty early tomorrow morning," Kendall said. "We'll tell him then."

"It won't be easy," Logan warned. "It's going to be really hard for us to see him like this."

"If it's the last thing I do," Carlos started, "I'm going to make James better."

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><p>True to Kendall's word, Mr. and Mrs. Diamond's plane arrived at eight o'clock the next morning. Mrs. Knight and Katie picked them up from the airport while Kendall, Carlos, and Logan got the apartment ready for them. At about 8:30, the Diamonds, Katie, and Mama Knight all arrived. As they sat down in the living room, the guys went to go wake up James.<p>

Quietly opening the door, the guys found that James was still fast asleep in his bed, the covers coming up to his chin. Feeling slightly bad for what he was doing, Kendall reached over and shook James' shoulder while quietly whispering his name. After a moment, James woke up and sat up. Stretching, he quietly asked what his friends wanted.

"Your parents are here, Jamie," Carlos said sweetly. "And we all want to talk to you."

James was a little surprised that his parents were here in L.A., though he supposed he shouldn't be. Of course his family would have been notified of what he had been doing. He could only imagine the disappointment they were feeling. Yet another blow to him.

Only nodding slightly, he allowed Kendall to help him out. He slowly followed his friends into the living room, seeing his parents, Mrs. Knight, and Katie all sitting in the living room, waiting for him.

"James…" his mother said softly. She got up and wrapped her only son in a hug. "Oh, James… Oh, honey…"

"I'm so sorry, Mom," James whispered in her shoulder. "I'm so sorry. I really messed up. I wish I could take it all back, I really do."

"Shh, it's ok, honey," she said, stroking his hair.

"We need to talk, James," Mrs. Knight. She motioned to the couch. "Sit down, honey."

Obeying, James took a seat in between his mother and father. Mrs. Diamond sighed. "Honey, the boys told us what happened last night. They told us about what you said to them."

Mrs. Knight took it from there. "You know we love you, James, no matter what happens. And that's why we are doing this. It's because we love you."

"We don't want to lose you," Katie whispered to herself, though no one heard her. She cared about James much more than she ever let on. He was as much of a brother to her as Kendall was. She knew she wouldn't be able to take losing him.

"What are you talking about?" James asked. "What are you doing?"

"James, son, we're worried about you," Mr. Diamond started. "We really believe that you need some extra help. More than what we can give to you."

James absorbed what his father had just told him. _Now _he knew what this was about. "I don't need therapy! I'm not crazy!"

"Hey, hey," Kendall said, being the first one of the boys to speak up. "We know you're not. We just want you to get better. And this is the only way we can think of. It'll work and you'll get better. Isn't that what you want?"

James swallowed. "I can fix myself."

"James, there is nothing wrong with asking for help," Mrs. Knight cooed. "It doesn't make anyone better than you. It doesn't make you any weaker. If anything, it takes strength to admit you need help."

James closed his eyes, trying to keep his tears at bay. "I don't want people to think I'm a freak."

"They won't think that, James," Carlos assured.

James laughed humorlessly. "This is Hollywood. Of course they will. I won't do it."

Mrs. Diamond let out a sob. "Jamie, please! I can't lose my baby. Please, do this for me. Please! Just try it! I just need you to try!"

James sighed. He hated seeing his mother cry. He hated that he was the one who caused it even more. "Alright, I'll try it. I'm saying I'll go through with it, but I'll try."

"That's all we're asking for James," Logan said. James looked around the room, trying to avoid eye contact with everyone in the room. "Under one condition," he added.

"What's that?" Kendall asked. "Whatever it is, we'll do it."

"No one can know," James said quickly. "None of our friends, not even Gustavo and Kelly. No one outside of this apartment can know what's going on. I don't want anyone talking and I don't want anyone to look at me any differently. Please, just don't tell anyone."

"Whatever it takes, James," Carlos agreed. "Whatever it takes to make you better."

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><p><strong>Gosh, I am just being so darn mean to James. But I'm really enjoying it. Man, am I sadistic or what?<strong>

**Reviews, anyone?**


	16. Back To The Way We Were

**Wow. I actually got this one out pretty quick. Amazing, right? I figured I owed you guys for being so late last time.**

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><p>It was decided that James would start counseling as soon as possible. Or rather, everyone else decided that and James just nodded his head. He's smiling, but in reality, he's close to tears. He doesn't know if he can do it. Even with help, he feels like he could never be normal again. And that scared him.<p>

Quietly excusing himself from lunch, James went into his and Kendall's shared room and sat on his bed. From where he was sitting, he could just see his reflection from the full length mirror on the back of their door.

"I hate you, you know that?" James miserably whispered to the boy staring back at him. "Everything you do is wrong. I hope you know. You're ugly and worthless. You don't know how to do anything right. And now everyone knows it. They're sending you to therapy, not because they care, just because they think you're crazy." Suddenly, he heard a knock at the door and he quickly quieted his ranting. "Come in."

Kendall slowly opened the door and closed it behind him. He walked over to their desk and turned the chair resting by it towards James before sitting down.

"You don't have to knock, you know," James reminded. "It's your room too. You don't need my permission to come in." _My permission means nothing_, he bitterly thought.

Kendall swallowed. "Are you ok?"

James paused and gave him a little smile, deciding to just be honest for once. "No, I'm not. I'm so far from being ok."

"Talk to me," Kendall pleaded. He looked deep into James' eyes. It looked like he was almost begging. "Tell me what you're really thinking."

"I honestly don't know, Kendall," James sighed. "I feel like nothing will ever be the same. That no matter how much 'help' I get, it'll never be ok again. And I'll never be ok again."

Kendall leaned forward in his chair. "But this therapy _will _help you, James. It'll help you through this and everything _will _be ok again. It really will. It's going to be ok."

James chuckled humorlessly. "It's always 'going to be ok' when it's not happening to you."

Kendall looked away to hide the tears that suddenly sprung to his eyes from James. "James. Bad things happen. Sometimes, you just got to brush yourself off and keep going. You have to start fresh and move on."

James sighed for the second time. "But sometimes, Kendall, it's easier to just give up."

"Stop talking like that!" Kendall said as he stood up. "You cannot keep talking like that. You cannot give up on yourself. You can't give up on your family and friends. You can't give up on _me_!"

"But I'm hurting you!" James said as he, too, stood up. "It would be better for every single one of you if I just… disappeared. Then you wouldn't have to worry. You wouldn't have to go through this. And then I wouldn't have to feel guilty."

"Do you think if I wasn't willing to fight alongside with you I would still be here?" Kendall asked. "I am willing to fight for my best friend. But you have to be willing to fight for yourself." James said nothing, just stared at Kendall. After a moment of silence, Kendall spoke back up. "So, James, I need to know right now if you're willing to fight to get your life back."

James didn't answer right away. Honestly, he didn't know if he had the strength, if he had the will power. But one look in Kendall's eyes told James that there was only one answer. "I'm willing to fight."

"Promise me, James," Kendall pleaded, "promise me that you will never give up."

James looked to the ground and quietly whispered, "I promise I won't give up." However, as he said these words, he prayed to God that he would be able to go through with them.

* * *

><p>A week later, James was on his way to his first therapy session. After looking at countless offices and all the different therapists in them, they had finally decided on one. James knew absolutely nothing about her; he's never even met her. All he knew was that her name was Dr. Patricia Peters and she specialized in people like him.<p>

James didn't like that word. _Specialized_. It made him feel like he was just placed into a category, filed away with one person after another. It made him feel like she wouldn't view him as a person, she would see him as just another client, a research subject. He hadn't even met Dr. Peters and James already didn't like her.

But as Mrs. Knight parked the van and everyone piled out, James realized that it didn't really matter what he thought. He was going to have to do this whether he liked it or not.

"Ok, James," Mrs. Knight said. She was trying to sound cheerful, but it was obvious she was hurting herself. "We'll be right back here in an hour to pick you up."

Mrs. Diamond put her arms around her son. "Remember that I love you," she whispered in his ear. James just nodded.

"You'll be fine, man," Kendall assured. "I know you can do it."

James just smiled, and with one last shaky wave, he walked into the office. After asking the woman at the front desk which room Dr. Peters was in, James began his trek down the office halls. Hesitating slightly when he found the door marked '_Dr. Patricia Peters_', James slowly knocked and bounced on his heels as he waited for an answer.

"James, I presume?" the woman who answered the door asked immediately. After James nodded wearily, they shook hands the woman invited him inside. She looked to be in her mid-forties, with brown hair that was tied up in a bun, but beginning to show signs of grey. She had on an outfit that a typical business woman would wear, along with a heart necklace.

"Please, sit down," she said as she motioned to a sofa by the side of the room. "I am Dr. Peters, and I'll be the one you will be seeing for however long you choose to."

James avoided eye contact as he muttered a soft hello. He still didn't know what he thought of this woman. She seemed nice, but border lining too friendly. He didn't trust her and he didn't want to talk to her.

"Why don't you begin by telling me how all this started?" Dr. Peters coaxed sweetly. After meeting with just silence and empty stares, she decided to try again, "What were you feeling when you first picked up the bottle?" But James just shrugged and looked away. But the doctor was persistent and tried again. "What are you feeling right now, James?"

"I feel like going home," James muttered, knowing he was being rude but not caring in the slightest.

Dr. Peters sighed. It was obvious she would never get through to James this way. It was obvious he didn't trust her. She has had many patients like him, unwilling to talk and difficult to get through to. Usually it was because they thought she wouldn't understand or she would judge them, sometimes they just didn't want to talk to anyone. But Dr. Peters could tell that James was different. She could see that he desperately wanted to talk to someone, but just didn't know who. Despite how obviously close they were, he felt like he couldn't really talk to his friends or family because they didn't understand. And he didn't feel like she would either.

Suddenly, Dr. Peters sighed and put her clipped board aside. She leaned forward in her chair and clasped her hands together on her lap. "Do you know why I got into this field of counseling, James?"

Of course, it was impossible for James to know the answer, so he slowly shook his head. "No, I don't," he said slowly, not knowing where this was going.

She took a shaky breath, almost like she was preparing herself for what she was about to say. After a minute of silence, Dr. Peters finally spoke up. "I was eighteen, James, not much older than you are now. I was taking my little sister to the movies, just the two of us. She was so excited. I was about to start college and this was going to be the last time we got to hang out before school overtook my life. No matter how hard I try, I can't remember which movie we were going to see. But I do remember that we were just around the corner from the movie theater."

Dr. Peters closed her eyes, obviously lost in her memories. "I stopped at a stoplight, and when it turned green, I started to go. There was a drunk driver on the road that day, James. He was out of control and coming right towards us. It happened so fast, I had no time to react. He hit the passenger side of our car. I can… I can still hear the metal crunching."

James watched as Dr. Peters struggled to keep herself together. He didn't want to push her, but he was desperate to find out what happened next. "Then what?" he finally whispered.

"I don't remember anything else except waking up in the hospital. I had a pretty bad skull fracture and a few broken ribs, along with various cuts and bruises, but I was ok. When I asked about my sister, my mom burst out in tears. Obviously, she had taken the worst of it. She was in a coma, but the doctors were fairly confident she would be wake up. About a week later, she just went brain dead and never woke up. No one knew why and no one could explain, but I didn't care. All I knew was that my sister was dead. Her fifteenth birthday was only a week away.

"I was devastated, as you can imagine," Dr. Peters continued, sounding like she was talking more to herself than James. "I blamed myself for her death. _I _was the one who was driving the car. Everyone told that there was nothing I could have done and that the only person to blame was that drunk driver, but I didn't listen. I felt like there should have been _something _that I should have done. I was overwhelmed with guilt and sadness and I just couldn't take it anymore. I just wanted to forget everything. That's when I first picked up the bottle."

James looked at his therapist in surprised. He couldn't believe that Dr. Peters was just like him. He let her continue with the story. "I thought I had it under control, but I didn't. It became so out of hand that soon my family found out and forced me into therapy, just like you're here now." Dr. Peters laughed. "I hated my therapist. He was old and judgmental and I felt like I couldn't tell him anything. But he did tell me one thing that I still remember."

"What's that?" James asked carefully.

"That my sister would never have wanted me to blame myself," Dr. Peters said softly. "And with time and with healing, I realized that it was true. My sister would have been horrified if she knew what I was doing. And only when I realized that was when I started to get better. It was hard, but I got through it. I changed my major in college to physiology because I wanted to help people who felt like me. I didn't want anyone to feel or go through what I did. And that's what I want to do with you, James. I can help you, but only if you let me."

James stared at Dr. Peters for a handful of moments. He never could have guessed that she too had been addicted to painkillers. As he looked around her office and saw all her awards and degrees, he saw that he could be like her. He could actually make something of himself. He could be someone, he could do something. He really could make it through this. "Ok," he finally said. "Ok."

"What were you feeling when you first picked up the bottle?" she tried again.

James sighed. After hearing what Dr. Peters went though, he finally felt like he could trust her, like she wouldn't judge him because she knew what it was like. He hasn't felt that way before. "I felt hurt and I felt depressed. There was no one would listen to me, no matter how loud I screamed. I know they didn't mean to, but the 'jokes' that my friends kept saying really hurt me. I really started to believe them. And then I began to think that I was worthless and a horrible person, like I would never do anything right. I just wanted to feel numb, because then I wouldn't have to feel the pain. I felt stressed and I just… needed to get out. I saw the pills in my bathroom medicine cabinet and I figured if they could take away physical pain, they could take away the pain inside too. I took one, then two, then three, and just more and more until I felt nothing at all. I liked that feeling."

"But it didn't last?" Dr. Peters prompted.

"No, and I wanted to," James said miserably. "So I kept going. I kept telling myself I could stop whenever, but I knew deep inside that I couldn't. But I kept going. It wasn't until I overdosed and almost died that my friends found out. And then I felt like if they really cared about me, they would have noticed before. And then I felt worthless again. After I stopped, I got urges and I wanted the pills, and I thought I was crazy and I hated myself. I still hate myself."

"Have you ever thought of ending it yourself, James?" Dr. Peters asked, voice completely free of judgment.

"I have," James whispered. "Many times."

"James, you see how much that would hurt your family, right?" Dr. Peters reminded. "It would kill them more than it would kill you."

"I see that," James said. "But the relief and bliss that would feel… it would feel so…" James couldn't finish.

"James, listen to me. Whenever you feel like this, you need to tell someone immediately. Your friends, your family, call me at home if you need to. Just tell someone. Your life is a precious gift, and you mustn't let it go to waste."

"I know. And I will. When I think about it, about my friends, I think I see that I don't want to leave this life just yet."

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><p><strong>Oh my gosh, that sucked. I am so sorry. It was a filler chapter obviously. But I figured that James would feel more comfortable with someone who knew what he was feeling. I realize this was all super boring. But at least it was somewhat happier, right? But I'll try to make the next one not so sucky.<strong>


	17. Eventually

**… Um, hi? I know how long it's been and I'm really _super_ sorry that I haven't been updated. But school has hit me hard and I've been going through a lot of things and I just haven't had the chance to just sit down and write. **

**_BUT _****I promise you guys that no matter what happens, I _will _finish this story. I'm not going to give up on this. Just please be patient with me!**

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><p>"Very nice work today, James," Dr. Peters said as she put her clipboard away. "I'll see you again next week?"<p>

James nodded almost immediately. "Yeah, I'll be back next week. Thanks a lot, Dr. Peters."

The woman gave him a small smile. "I need you to remember though; this is when it's going to get tough. You're going to start going through the withdrawal symptoms soon enough and that's when you're most likely to relapse."

James nodded. After saying his goodbyes, James left Dr. Peter's office and just like his friends promised, they were waiting for him in front of the building. He climbed into the minivan, expecting to be bombarded with questions about how his session went. And he was right. Answering with the classic 'fine' with each question, James sunk into the seat cushion, praying that no one would ask him anything else about it.

And maybe the universe was on his side that day, because for once, his prayers were answered.

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><p>After a very silent car ride and walk to their apartment, James quietly excused himself and went to his room, softly closing the door behind him. He collapsed on his bed, the tears forming in his eyes. He didn't want to be like this. He didn't want to go to therapy. He didn't want to be the reason for his friends' tears. He didn't want to be one of <em>those <em>people. He wanted to be normal again. He wanted to remember what felt like to smile and laugh and really mean it. He wanted to be _James _again.

3 months ago, if someone were to ask James what his biggest fear was, more than likely, he would answer with a typical fear. Spiders. Enclosed areas. Snakes. Typical, petty fears that in the end meant nothing. But if someone were to ask him at that moment what his biggest fear was, it would be the fear that nothing would ever be the same again. James was terrified that nothing in his life was ever going to be ok again.

He hurt his friends. And even if they told him again and again that it was ok and they weren't mad, he knew there was a part of them that would always be mad at him. Just like there would always be a part of them that would always feel betrayed and hurt at what he did. Whether he got better or not, that part of them was always going to stay in their hearts, no matter how much they willed it to go away.

He couldn't understand why they were still even talking to him. He screwed up so much in so many different ways; he didn't understand why that when they looked at him, why they didn't look disgusted. He couldn't understand why they just didn't turn their heads away. He knew that when he looked in the mirror, that's what he did.

He knew it was only a matter of time before they ended up hating him.

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><p>"I'm worried about him," Mrs. Diamond finally spoke what they were all thinking. "He barely talked since we picked him up. Something's going on."<p>

"Maybe you boys should go talk to him," Mrs. Knight suggested. "He'll open up to you."

Kendall nodded, "I guess we should." He looked to Logan and Carlos. "Come on, guys." They all stood up from their spots on the couch Kendall leaded them to the shared bedroom. Logan carefully knocked on the door, expecting to hear no answer. However, they were all surprised when James muttered a quiet "Come in".

"Hey, buddy." Kendall said quietly when they entered the room to see James face down on his bed. "Are you doing ok? Do you want to talk about anything?"

James shook his head in his pillow. "No," came his muffled response. "I'm fine."

Logan sat down next to James and rubbed soothing circles in his back. "James, we know that you're not. It's ok to not be ok."

When James didn't say anything, Kendall spoke up. "James, it's us. If there's anyone you can talk to, it's us. Talk to us. Please?"

Finally James looked up, furiously wiping at his eyes. "I just… I don't get it."

Carlos' eyebrows furrowed together. "What do you not get, James?"

"Why you're still here," James answered plainly. "Why do you not hate me?"

Still confused, Kendall stepped closer. "Why would we ever hate you, James?"

James sat up. "How could you not? Look at me! Look what I've become! Look what I did to you! I'm not even me anymore! There will always be a part of you that will be angry and sad and hurt and that's never going to go away! Never! And that's only going to lead to you hating me! Because if I'm being honest, which I really haven't been doing lately, I hate me too."

"But James, you just don't get it, do you?" Kendall said gently. "We could never hate, not now and not ever. I know it's hard now—"

James interrupted. "Please don't do that." When Kendall looked even more confused, James sighed and decided to explain himself. "Please don't tell me that 'you know how hard this is'. Because no matter how hard you try, you don't know. You don't know how I feel."

"Then tell us," Logan whispered.

"You really want to know? I feel like I'm in a nightmare and it just keeps getting worse and worse and worse and I can't wake up. I feel dead on the inside. I feel empty. I feel like I'm bleeding. I just want to get out and I want to forget _everything. _Even if it was just for a little while because everything is just so hard lately and I don't think I can do it anymore."

James paused. "You know what? I take that back. I _know _I can't do it anymore. Every day I wake up, and my first thought is that I can't do it. But I try anyways and I somehow make it to the end of the day. Then it starts all over again. But I don't think I can do it much longer because I know that soon I won't have any of you on my side anymore."

Carlos look horrified. "I will always be on your side, James. I will be on your side till the day I die. Do you know why?" Carlos didn't wait for an answer. "Because you are my _brother_! And brothers stick together because we're all the other's got. I know that any amount of words won't make you believe me, but I don't care. I'm going to say it anyway. I will never hate you. Yeah, you've done some things and you've made some mistakes, but that's ok."

Logan picked it up from there, his hand never leaving James' back. "People make mistakes, James. It's a part of life that will never change. The important thing is that we learn from them. And that's what you're doing. You're getting help. You're fixing your mistakes. And _that's _why we could never hate you. Because you're _trying_."

James nodded, even though he still didn't quite believe them. "Can you guys just leave me alone for a little while?"

The guys nodded and got up to leave. Logan left first, followed by Carlos, but Kendall lingered for a moment. "James?"

The boy looked up from his bed, tears lining his eyes. "Yeah?"

"Remember that I love you."

* * *

><p><strong>Ok. I know that this was short and probably boring, but hey, it's something. I have big plans for this story, so please remember that even if updates aren't frequent, they will come. <em>I will not be giving up on this story.<em>**

**Oh, and a very happy belated birthday to Logan Henderson! Hope your birthday was great! Even though you won't be reading this!**


	18. Slip of the Tongue

**Asdfghjkl. I am so sorry, guys. I know it's been like forever since I've updated, but there's just been so much going on. I've been going through a lot of personal stuff and my family's been having a really rough time. Plus school and sports are killing me. Frankly, I haven't had time or motivation to write lately. And that frustrates me because I have so many ideas and plans for this and I just can't find the time to sit down and write it all out.**

**Ugh.**

**So please, bear with me through this particularly hard time and please be patient. I'm not giving up on this story, not at all. So don't be worried about that. Updates just might not come as frequently as I would like. Hopefully it won't take _this _long to update each time.**

* * *

><p>"It's ok," Logan cooed as he rubbed James' back. "Everything's alright. Just let it all out. I'm here, I'm here."<p>

James was currently hunched over the toilet in the bathroom, dry heaving after he finally finished vomiting. Just another symptom of withdrawal. He had been miserable the past few weeks. Between the anxiety, irritability, insomnia, headaches, nausea, vomiting, sweating, difficulty in breathing, and other things, James was surprised he hadn't relapsed. Everything was just making him more and more depressed. He knew that this was normal and it would pass soon, but it was so hard to remember that when he was hunched over the toilet.

"Are you ok?" Logan asked when James leaned up against the bathtub. He gave James a Dixie cup filled with water and waited for an answer.

James tried to even out his breathing. "I'm ok," he finally croaked.

Logan reached out a hand to James and James accepted it, allowing the smaller boy to help him off the floor. "Let's get you to bed, buddy," Logan said softly. "Maybe you'll feel better after you get some rest."

James nodded even though he highly doubted it and slowly let Logan lead him to his bedroom. His stomach still really hurt, but he refused to let it show. Easing into his bed, James softly thanked Logan and closed his eyes, exhausted by the day's events.

And as Logan turned off the light and closed the door, he stared at James and silently wished that he would get better soon.

* * *

><p>A week passed. James continued to go to his therapy sessions. He was obviously struggling without his pills, but slowly, things were starting to get better. Slowly but surely.<p>

"James!" Kendall called through the apartment, hoping to find his taller friend somewhere. "James!"

"What!" Kendall heard coming from his room. He made the small trek through the hallway and walked into his bedroom. "There you are," he said as he saw James sitting on his bed, writing in a journal. It was one of his therapy exercises. Each day, James was supposed to sit down in a quiet place, no distractions, and write down what he was feeling. Frankly, James hated it but everyone else thought it would help him.

"What do you need?" James asked as he pushed the small journal aside.

Kendall sheepishly rubbed the back of his neck. "I can just come back later. You know, when you're finished with you know… your writing."

Immediately James shook his head. "No, I was just finishing that up. What do you need?"

"Well, Carlos, Logan, and I were going to head down to the park to play basketball. You want to come? Carlos and Logan are already down at the court. They borrowed a ball from Tyler. You know, since we kind of destroyed ours." Both boys chuckled at the memory.

James hoped up from his bed and wiped some lint off his sweat pants. "Yeah, that sounds like fun. Let's go."

Kendall and James chatted about their rehearsal that day while they got into the elevator and headed to the lobby. However, once they got to the lobby, everyone seemed to be staring at them. Well, mostly at James. Girls whispered to their friends and giggled amongst each other. The younger kids pointed at them and almost looked afraid. Guys roughly shoved past James and straight out laughed at him.

The journey across the lobby seemed more like a journey across the Atlantic. It felt like it took hours to get to the front doors. When they finally got into the fresh and nonjudgmental air, James turned to his blonde best friend.

"What was that all about?" James frantically asked. His eyes kept darting back to the building. They were full of panic and fear.

Kendall hesitated. "I-I… I don't really… know." He craned his neck to look through the glass doors. Everybody was still staring at them. "Maybe you're having an extra good hair day?"

"Why would they laugh if it was because my hair looked extra good today?" James asked, obviously unconvinced.

"Whatever it is will be blown over by tomorrow. C'mon, let's just go play basketball with the other guys," Kendall shrugged.

James sighed. He didn't think it was nothing like Kendall did, but he didn't see the point in stressing over it. So he just nodded his head and followed Kendall into the park. Carlos and Logan waved them over and Kendall and James jogged over to them.

"What's wrong, James?" Logan asked, immediately seeing the worried look in his recovering friend's eye. "Did something happen?"

James looked around. The people at the park were staring at him too. "Everybody keeps staring and laughing at me. I don't know what's going on…"

Carlos and Logan looked around and noticed that James was right. People _were_ staring at them and some people _were_ laughing. They gave the two other boys a quizzical glance.

Kendall sighed. "We don't know what they're looking at."

"Well, they're obviously looking at me," James said roughly. "But I don't know why."

Carlos shrugged. "Just let it go. Let's just play!"

For the next forty-five minutes, Kendall, James, Carlos, and Logan played and tried to ignore the constant stares. They played a two on two scrimmage and was exhausted when they finally decided to stop.

"I'm hungry," Carlos wheezed.

Kendall tried to catch his breath. "Me too. Let's go see… if my mom has started dinner yet."

James, Carlos, and Logan nodded and started for the lobby. However, when they reach the lobby, James was shoved in the shoulder by a group of three guys, about their age.

"Where you going, Diamond?" the tallest of the boys, Luke, said aggressively.

"To my apartment," James said, trying to get past them.

"Just leave him alone," Kendall said, annoyed.

Luke ignored Kendall. "Going to your apartment, huh? Bet I know what you're going to do when you get there."

"What are you talking about?" James asked nervously.

Luke and the two other boys looked at each other and chuckled. "Oh, you haven't seen the headlines yet?"  
>"What headlines?" Carlos asked.<p>

The boys all laughed, grabbed a magazine from the front desk, and shoved it into James' hands. Laughing, they all walked away and out the front doors.

Cautiously, James looked down in the magazine in his hands. When he read the giant bold letters on the cover, he almost threw up. He dropped the magazine and put his hands over his mouth. Quickly, Logan picked up the magazine and held it so the other boys could see it too.

"Oh my gosh."

* * *

><p>"James!" Kendall called. "James! Wait up!"<p>

Kendall, Carlos, and Logan were currently chasing after James who had taken off once he recovered from the shock of the headlines. He was racing past everyone, all their stares and giggles, and heading towards the back stairway. "No!" he called over his shoulder.

The three boys chased James all the way up to the apartment. James tried to go lock himself in his room, but Logan managed to grab him by the shoulder and turn him around, forcing James to look at him.

"Let me go, Logan," James breathed. "I don't want to talk."

"Too bad," Kendall said behind Logan. "Sit down. We have to talk about this."

James shook himself away from Logan. "There's nothing to talk about! You saw the magazine! Apparently it's in _every _magazine! And _everybody _knows about it!"

Carlos gulped. "It's ok, James."

James turned to the smaller boy, anger burning in his irises. "No, it's not, Carlos!" He grabbed the magazine from Logan and threw it to Carlos. "What about _that _looks ok? Everything is ruined!"

Carlos gently bent down and picked it up, reading the words for the tenth time.

_JAMES DIAMOND: BIG TIME RUSH STAR, DRUG ADDICT?_

Finally, James slumped to the floor and put his face in his hands. He shoulders were shaking slightly and he sniffled every few moments. "How did they even find out?" His voice was clogged with tears.

Carlos handed Kendall the magazine and the blonde flipped through the pages until he reached the actual article. He skimmed through the words to find what he was looking for. Finally, Kendall sighed. "It says it came from an unnamed source."

James let out a sob. Without saying anything else, he got up from the floor and walked into his bedroom. No one tried to stop him. Once he got to his room, he threw himself and his bed and grabbed his abandoned notebook. He tore out the pages that he had written that day, pages about how good he was feeling and how much progress he was making. He threw them away and picked up his pen to rewrite for that day.

He wrote one simple sentence: _I need my pills now more than ever._

* * *

><p><strong>Asdfghjkl. I am so sorry, guys. I feel absolutely horrible. Ugh. I'm so sorry this took forever to get to you and I'm sorry it's not even that great. But no matter how long it takes, I'm still not giving up on this, alright? Don't worry about that. This isn't going anywhere.<strong>

**Again, I am _so so so so _sorry and I'll try to get the next chapter out as soon as possible. There's just…. so much going on. I hope you understand, but I'm still super sorry for the long wait…**


	19. Update

**Heeeyyyyyy...**

**Ok, so I know it's been, like, forever since I've posted anything. And I know that probably the minute you saw that this was just a message to you all that you immediately thought that this was to tell you that this story is ending.**

**BUT IT IS NOT ENDING.**

**I know it's been forever, but I still have so many hopes and ideas for this story. It's like my baby, and I can't let my baby die. What kind of mother/writer would I be then?**

**So no, this story is NOT ending. It's just on vacation. I know, you're probably all really mad at me and just want me to keep writing or something. I don't know what goes on in your head. But I really can't find the time or energy to write right now. I'm going through so many things, and BTM is just not my focus right now. BUT IT SHALL COME BACK.**

**So I don't know when I'll find time to get back to this, but I PROMISE you that this story will be finished. It just needs a little time.**

**Again, guys, I am so sorry that I've disappointed you. I feel so truly awful for all of this and I just hope that when I get back into this that I'll make it up to you. I really, truly am sorry for the delay.**

**-PizzaTop21**


	20. One Chance

**Woah. Wow. This is awkward. I know how long it has been and I apologize with every ounce of my being. I've been super busy and stressed and down and I frankly haven't had the time or the inspiration to come up with anything worth posting.**

**But I'm here now! **

**I know that this is not much, but I'm easing my way into this, so please—be patient with me. I have big plans for this story and I want to thank you all for sticking with me. It means more than you will ever know. :)**

**Oh, and to the anon review question I got: No, I was not an expert in any way, shape, or form on this subject. I did a lot of research on the subject because I wanted to make it as realistic as possible, which will make my story more enjoyable and genuine. I did have certain personal experiences that I used, but for the bulk of the story, it's research. Hope this helps you out! And thank you so much for the question and comment. You really inspired me to get this next one out!**

* * *

><p>James refused to leave the apartment. It was as simple as that. Leaving the apartment meant to face paparazzi, photographers, his friends… So instead of facing all of that, James chose to spend his days in his bedroom, covered from head to toe in his comforter and only getting up for the occasional snack and bathroom trip.<p>

Despite the incessant pleadings from his friends and frantic phone calls from his parents, nothing could get James up. He missed his therapy session for the week, and nothing the guys could do would fix anything. It was only until Gustavo called the apartment five days after everyone found out that James agreed to leave not only his bed, but also the apartment.

James agreed to this only because if he had not, Big Time Rush would have been fired completely. Though Kendall did not tell James this, Gustavo sounded so furious on the phone, a kind of furious Kendall had never seen out of him. He wasn't yelling, not even starting to raise his voice. No, instead, his voice was dead even, no emotion at all, even calmly instructing Kendall that all _four _boys must be at the studio at eight the next morning. No exceptions. If only three or one or two or any number other four boys showed up, they would all be fired, no questions asked, no excuse given.

So yes, regardless of how depressed James was, he still did not want to be fired.

That is how bright and early the next morning, Kendall, James, Carlos, and Logan found themselves in Gustavo's office, standing awkwardly in front of said man, with Kelly standing to the side of him. Gustavo himself remained silent for several minutes, drumming his fingertips together as he stared at his dogs, one of the many magazine headlines in between them.

Finally, with a sigh, Gustavo opened his mouth to speak. "I am not mad," he quietly stated, much to the surprise of everyone else in the room.

"If you're not mad," Logan boldly ventured. "Then what do you want to talk to us about?"

"Griffon wants to drop you immediately," Gustavo put blankly. "He does not want a drug addict to muck up the reputation of his company."

"James is not a drug addict!" Kendall exploded. "He is our best friend and has worked like a slave for you!"

Gustavo put up his hands in mock surrender. "Those are Griffon's words, not mine. But he is my boss and I'm supposed to do what he says. Even when I don't agree."

James' eyes started to tear up. "Please, Gustavo. I'm sorry! I made a mistake and I'm sorry! But I'm getting help! I-I'm going to therapy and I'm… I'm trying so hard! But it's not good enough! And I've destroyed everything I've worked for… It's because of me…" James let his head hang low as he fought back the tears.

"I do not agree with what he has asked me to do," Gustavo calmly went on, as though James had done nothing more than peeped, "and that is why I told him I wouldn't do it." Everyone's head snapped up with surprise and everyone, though they were silent before, began talking all at once.

"What are you talking about?"

"Did you quit?"

"What did he say to that?"

"Does that mean we're not fired?"

"What about money? Are we still recording?"

Letting them go on as long as they pleased, Gustavo nonchalantly admired his fingernails as they all gabbed on. After the last word had been said and the last question raised, Gustavo stood up and walked over to his awards shelf, fingering the engraving on each one. "I like you, James, even if I don't show it," he said though he did not look at the boy he addressed. "I hate to see you like this, and believe me, I can see it—what you've been doing. You look sick.

"And that is what you are. You're not crazy or stupid or hopeless. I've seen people like you before, and they don't want help." Gustavo turned to look at James at this point. "But you do. And that's why I am giving you one chance. Do you hear me? _You get one chance._ If you blow this, I am not going to fight for you this time. Griffon and I are giving you one chance to get clean and stay clean."

James finally breathed. "I understand, Sir. I get one chance. I'm not going to mess it up though. Thank you for giving this to me."

Gustavo glared at all of them at once. "Stop making this a Hallmark commercial. _Get out of my office_!"

* * *

><p>When the guys all got home, they found that Katie and Mrs. Knight had left shortly after they did, to gather groceries and run other simple errands. After much begging on Carlos' part, James finally agreed to play video games with the three of them. As Carlos set up the system and Kendall and Logan made up some snacks, James was just going to grab his phone before planting himself on the couch.<p>

However, as soon as he opened his door and turned on the light, he let out a shout for the other guys. And by the sound of his voice, Kendall, Carlos, and Logan didn't waste much time getting to him.

The sight before the four of them made their mouths drop open and silenced each of their raging thoughts. Someone had broken into their apartment while was gone and had vandalized the entire room, though nothing in the apartment idicated a breakin. Even so, the entire room was trashed.

For one, red spray paint covered the walls. It didn't seem to spell out a message, just random patterns to make a mess. While Kendall's things were completely untouched, James' side of the room was a disaster. Everything had been thrown around in every which direction, and even his therapeutic journal had been torn to pieces. But that wasn't the worst thing that they had done.

They had taken painkillers, bottles and bottles of over-the-counter painkillers, and dumped them all over the room. They were everywhere, to put it lightly.

While Kendall, Carlos, and Logan stood wide-eyed at the sight in front of them, James had sunken to the floor, with his head in his hands. His breathing was uneven and he desperately trying to control it.

Kendall was first to notice James on the floor, struggling to breathe properly. Crouching down below him, Kendall was startled to see James physically shaking. The hands which held his face were twitching uncontrollably, and his legs were shaking like they might fall off.

Putting his hand on James' knee, Kendall hoped to calm him down, but the force of James' shaking just made Kendall's own arm start to vibrate. And that is when Kendall realized the true struggle that James went through, every day and all the time. Just the sight of a pill sent James into a frenzy, and right now, he was surrounded by them.

Every day was a battle for him. Every moment was a challenge. This was when Kendall realized that James was in pain, _real _pain. And it was then, as Kendall rubbed James' shaking back that Kendall silently vowed to put his broken friend back together.

* * *

><p><strong>Ok. There we go. A little Kames action at the end, which is always a good time. Again, I'm super sorry this took me so long. It's wayyy overdue, I know. But I'm slowly but surely getting more time to write and such, so that's good. Let's see how long it takes me to get out the next one. Hopefully it won't be six months…<strong>


	21. Relapse

**Woah…. So it's been like ten years since I've updated and stuff, huh? I know that I've probably lost the majority of my readers, and that's ok, because I still have a few that have been waiting for this and I don't want to disappoint them. I told you I wouldn't give up! So for those of you who have been waiting and are still supporting me, thank you so much. Really. This one is all for you!**

* * *

><p>After the break in, things went from bad to worse for James. He felt horrible, but he still smiled because he would rather not talk about it. He gave off the illusion that he was perfectly alright to his friends, that the tweets and the tabloids and the hate didn't bother him one bit, but none of it was true.<p>

James could feel himself slipping; the grip on his sanity was slowly disintegrating. He couldn't eat, he couldn't sleep, but still, James held on for the sake of his friends. Just because he was a screw up, didn't mean he had to bring his friends' reputation down with him. The problem with people, though, is that they can only hold on for so long. Sooner or later, they're going to have to either let go or let someone else pull them up.

James didn't have anybody to pull him up.

* * *

><p>The weeks were long and hard for James. Every week, James would cancel his therapy sessions, and there were times he just wouldn't show up. He couldn't step a foot outside of the Palm Woods without being bombarded with paparazzi.<p>

He spent most of his time in his room, locked away from the flashes of cameras and the offensive statements made about him. He didn't understand why people couldn't just leave him alone. Things were already hard, so why couldn't they let him have a little peace? Was that too much to ask for?

What made him feel even worse, however, was that he had doomed his friends to the same prison. They couldn't go outside either. And while James was perfectly content to never leave his room, he knew his friends were going crazy being cooped. Gustavo had told them to stay out of sight, to not talk to anyone. Which meant that there was there was nowhere to go without breaking their boss' rule.

And that made James guilty. It wasn't enough that he had to go and ruin his own life, but he had to ruin his friends' lives as well. Neither Kendall nor Carlos nor Logan ever once blamed him or even looked at him wrong, but it didn't matter. James could just tell that they hated him. They couldn't stand him. They resented him.

And that was ok, because James kinda hated himself too.

* * *

><p>James didn't want to do it; he really didn't. He didn't want to let his friends down; he didn't want to get everyone fired. He didn't want to ruin things all over again. But he couldn't take it anymore. He just needed one minute to get out of his own mind; just one minute of peace.<p>

And there was only one thing that James cold think of that could possibly get him there.

He waited for his chance so that no one would have to know. He wanted until a fine Tuesday afternoon when Mama Knight and Katie were out grocery shopping and the boys decided to head down to the pool. Obviously, they asked James to go with them. Carlos even gave his puppy-dog eyes, but James rejected the offer. He had something else he needed to do.

He waited until the door closed, and even a few minutes longer just to make sure they didn't come back for something. And then he slowly made his way to his shared bathroom with Kendall. Obviously, his family tried to hide the painkillers from him. Out sight, out of mind, as they say. But nothing can ever stay hidden, and James found them with ease the week before.

James didn't bother to lock the door behind him; he wouldn't be very long, after all. He sat down in his usual place on the floor. It felt like he had never left.

James placed one pill on his tongue and swallowed. Then one and two and four and eight. And for that briefest moment, James felt happy. He felt how he used to and he relished in it. He never wanted it to end.

Maybe that's why he didn't hear the front door open and close.

James could vaguely register that there were footsteps in the apartment, but he didn't exactly care. He didn't even bother to get up and lock the door. It didn't really matter anymore now that he had what he needed.

"James!" a voice called out. "Have you seen my beach towel? I forgot to bring it with me!" James didn't respond. Was there really any point? Still, this person kept talking. "Did Mom throw it in the wash? Hey, where are you?"

The footsteps were getting closer and closer, but still, James made no movement to lock the door. It was only when the voice suddenly appeared at the door that James started to panic.

"James? Are you in here man?" he said.

"Y-yeah," James slurred. "Just—uh—give me a minute. I'll be r-right out-t."

"Are you ok? You sound a little funny…"

James could hear the knob start to turn. Before he could get out another word, the door opened to reveal none other than Kendall, whose surprised expression quickly turned to anger. "James!" he yelled. "What the _hell _are you doing?"

"I, uh, I" James stumbled. "Kendall, look, I can explain."

"No you can't! This is exactly what it looks like! I'll tell you what's happening! You stole some more pills and are getting high in the bathroom! James, I thought you wanted to get better!"

James resisted a sob. "I do want to get better!"

"The hell you do!" Kendall screeched. James swore he saw steam coming out of Kendall, but that might have just been the pills. "What is the matter with you!"

That's when James started to get mad himself. "I just wanted a minute of peace! I honestly don't think you know how hard this is! But you wouldn't understand anyway, so what's the use? It's not like you care! Kendall, this is hard and it is painful and it is _everyday_!"

Kendall didn't speak for a long time after that, so long that it was making James nervous. After a too long silence, James tentatively spoke. "Kendall?" No answer. "Kendall, please say something to me."

Kendall sighed. "There's nothing to say. Words aren't gonna change anything." He paused again. "I miss you. Where are you?"

There was another long silence before James spoke up once more. "Have you ever cried to hard that you couldn't even breathe properly? I'm sorry I can't just stand here and pretend like everything is ok."

Kendall looked like he was about to throw up. "But… you promised."

"I know I did, and I'm sorry that I'm like this. Maybe I'm just insane." At this point, tears were falling down James' face, streaming across his cheeks and running down his neck. He hated the wet feeling, but he couldn't raise a hand to wipe them away.

"You know you're making the wrong choice," Kendall said with a disgusted face. "But you're gonna make it anyway, aren't you?"

"You don't get it!"

"Then explain it to me, James! Make me get it! Make me understand, why don't you?"

James stopped. How could he explain it? Was there a way? "I feel like… like I'm screaming and no one can hear me. I feel like I don't have anyone. It's not the kind of feeling you can just forget."

"James, I am _right here_. I want to help you so bad, but you won't let me in. How do you expect not to be alone if you won't let anyone in?"

"I'm better off alone."

Kendall ran his hand through his hair in frustration. "No, you're just selfish so you go to a bottle instead of the people who actually care about you."

"Kendall—"

"No! Let me finish! Do you have any idea what you have put this house through? We try everything to help you and each time we just get a slap in the face! We _want _to help you! Don't you see that? We are trying everything!

"And each time, you just push us away, push us away." Kendall is pacing at this point. "Do you know how much that hurts us? How do you think Logan feels, James, huh? And what about Carlos? Do you know how hard those two try to get through to you? My mom has taken care of you and fed you and has done your laundry… This is how you repay her? Do you understand what Katie is going through, how she is feeling?

"And what about me, James?" Kendall stops in his tracks and turns to face said boy. His eyes narrow into slits. "I could never hurt you the way you hurt me."

"And you've never hurt me?" James asked, flabbergasted. "Do you not remember what I said the night I went to the hospital? You weren't there for me. I needed you and you were never there. So don't even _start _on how I hurt you because you hurt me first!"

"I should hate you," Kendall hissed.

James stood up. "I hate me too, Kendall! I hate everything!"

Kendall gave one more disgusted scoff before he turned to leave, but James' cold hand grabbed his wrist to stop him. "Don't go. Please. I need you more than you think. I promised you that I would never give in, but I lied. And I'm sorry. But if you give up on me, then I'm gonna give up on me too."

Kendall bent down and picked up all of the discarded pills on the floor and turned his back. James begged him to stop again, and he did, but he refused to look at James. James words were shaky with his tears. "If you leave, then I don't want you to come back."

"Gladly," Kendall spat, and closed the door behind him.

James sunk back to the ground and covered his face with his hands. "But I don't want to lose you."

* * *

><p><strong>And there we go. Probably the darkest chapter so far. But I really hope you guys liked it 'cause I worked pretty hard on it. For once, I'm actually pretty proud of an update that I've put out. Tell me what you thought though! The button's down below!<strong>


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